AS THE great and powerful fourth year that I am about to become, this is my last chance to pass on any of the meaningful, significant, perceptive lessons and advice that I have accumulated in my three years here at Mr. Jefferson's University. I thought long and hard about what to say. What should I tell these young grasshoppers? What wisdom can I impart? What, really, did I wish I had known before stepping into my un-air-conditioned, slightly stuffy dorm room back in 2001, the exploits of first year looming before me?
And so, after much reflection, it finally came to me; the most important thing I can tell a first year is how to not look like a first year.
Don't get me wrong. We like first years here. But, you know, there are things you can do to keep it from being really obvious.
First of all, turn off your cell phone. Sadly, a constantly ringing phone is a malady that seems to affect the entire University, but I'm telling you right now, if a cell phone goes off on the first day of class, everyone's going to blame it on the first year. Especially if it's a stupid ring, like "Baby One More Time." Yes, it really does exist.
Try and study the bus schedule before classes start. Don't be that person who steps onto a full bus at 9:55 a.m. and asks the driver what the difference is between the Blue and Orange routes. It's an especially bad idea to hold the bus up on the first day of class, when everyone's actually making an effort to show up to lecture on time.
Also, don't ride the bus from New Dorms to the Chemistry Building. Just don't. It takes more time to get on the bus than it does to walk the 30 seconds up the street.
Oh, and, don't try to get on the bus through the rear doors. That's a mistake you only make once.
You may want to glance at a map before the first day of classes. I emphasize "before" so you don't have to knock people over while trying to unfold a giant map of Grounds in the middle of McCormick Road because you can't find Cabell Hall.
Try to refrain from complaining about the Freshman Fifteen if you're still rail-thin. This only serves to annoy upperclassmen who have had enough time to turn it into the Fourth-Year Forty.
I would tell you not to walk to frat parties in groups of 50, but this is pretty much an inevitable first-year activity. Just don't show up at the party at 9 p.m. You're on college time now. Don't even leave your dorm until at least 10:30.
You'll inevitably talk a lot about high school in the beginning. This, of course, is perfectly natural, as you graduated only a few months ago. But try not to hang around exclusively with your high school friends, reliving the glory days. Nothing says "I am a first year" like a bunch of people going on and on about senior year.
You shouldn't feel weird about using the terms "first year" or "Grounds." I initially resisted these strange University expressions, thinking that using them was kind of like stuffing freshmen in lockers -- everyone heard a lot about it, but nobody really did it. You'll find, however, that it is, indeed, common lingo. You can stop short of saying "Mr. Jefferson," though. That's a little much. Unless, of course, you're making fun of the somewhat elitist practice we have here of creating our own language, in which case, go ahead.
Girls, despite what you may see, when going to a frat party, you don't really need to look like prostitutes. Really.
If you forget to bring your ID to football games, don't try to tell the swiper your student ID number. It doesn't work.
I know it's tricky keeping your ID, room keys, dorm cards and other U.Va. paraphernalia on you at all times, but I would advise against wearing it all attached to a lanyard around your neck, a look that first years nationwide seem to adopt as a mark of collegiate inauguration. After about three days, it's not all that cool, and you might get a rash.
Don't streak the Lawn in your first week. It's just not your time yet.
And finally, how to avoid the number-one sign of an obvious first year: Don't wear high school t-shirts. Conestoga High School Swimming 2004? Nobody cares.
Joking -- and unabashed mocking -- aside, just relax and enjoy your first year. The University is a very welcoming place, and there aren't any lockers for you to worry about anyway. We were all first years once. And soon, you too can make fun of the next batch.
Kristin Brown is a Cavalier Daily columnist. She can be reached at kbrown@cavalierdaily.com.
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