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The University guide for first years

IF YOU'RE like the rest of college-bound America, you likely received at least three or four handbooks entitled "Things Every Freshman Must Know Before They End Up Failing and Friendless" or other such nonsense as graduation gifts.

Inevitably filled with generic advice to "wash your sheets at least twice a month!" and "draft a roommate courtesy contract!" these volumes do little but line the pockets of some author who hasn't been a freshman in decades.

And you, my friend are no freshman. You are a first year, and so the following is some advice unique to Mr. Jefferson's University.

4 U.Va. has approximately more runners per square foot than a Kenyan Olympic training facility. Get used to it, and get over feeling guilty that you're not out there sweating it out three hours a day with them. Learn to laugh at their dedication and order another round of Cinnasticks. (On which subject, Domino's takes your Plus Dollars. The sooner you realize this, the better.)

4 Lose the chip on your shoulder about the Greek system. The popped collar 'n pearl deal may not be for you, but you're neither the first, last, nor only person to feel that way. You'll look a lot cooler doing your own thing and letting them do theirs than by constantly disparaging the frat/sorority scene.

4 Conversely, if you've been dreaming in alphas and omegas since MTV's first season of "Sorority Life," know that life at the University extends well past Rugby Road. Take advantage of the University's second semester rush system and use your first few months here to get involved with something totally unrelated to polo shirts and Natty Light.

4 Date, or at least befriend, a bus driver. Besides being some of the most interesting people on Grounds, the UTS kids prove to be invaluable allies when you're caught in the rain carrying twelve books and that waterlogged patch of sidewalk in front of you has, all of a sudden, become a bus stop.

4 You will hate ISIS Course Registration with a passion so fiery that it will overwhelm your former threshold for emotion. This knowledge will not lessen your frustration, of course, but do recognize that you're not alone in your agony.

4 You go to the number-one public school in the country. Don't talk down to anyone; chances are good they wiped the floor with you on the SATs.

4 Similarly, leave high school at home. You won't be the only valedictorian or senior class president in your dorm, your classes or even your group of friends; your résumé got you into U.Va., but your attitude will determine your life here.

4 Do every clichéd thing you can possibly think of. Sit on the steps of the Rotunda to write a paper, go streaking, wear a navy and orange tie to a football game (even if you're female -- especially if you're female), have brunch at the College Inn and take every single opportunity to wander across a snow-covered Lawn. Sure, you're a hip, jaded Wahoo now, but traditions are traditions for a reason; they're great memories in the making.

4 Rule of thumb: The more obscure sounding the course title, the more likely you'll be studying with the best in the field. Not to knock that ENWR 110 TA, but take Sub-Saharan Women Poets and you'll likely be taught by the professor that wrote the book on the subject (or at least co-authored the anthology).

4 Old Dorms kids, go ahead and take the bus one stop from your room to Central Grounds instead of walking the five-minute trek. Just know that all the upperclassmen are rolling their eyes at you.

4 Hereford kids, go ahead and take the bus anywhere you please, and make sure to exploit the pity that your housing lottery misfortune engenders in your fellow classmates for all that it's worth.

4 Don't be "that kid" in discussion section. Hint: If you don't know who "that kid" is, it's you. Rectify this immediately.

And above all, remember to keep it in perspective. Be comforted by the knowledge that no matter how sharp the growing pains, no matter how sleepless the nights or heartbreaking the rejections or defeats, by this time next year you'll look back on the amazing blur that was first year and the grace with which you survived it and think

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