"Why don't you go ahead and double bag that. I don't want to take any chances."
No, I am not referring to grocery shopping. I'm talking about preparation for engaging in sexual activity with a less-than-virtuous partner.
"So, how many people have you slept with?"
Talk about a loaded question. Why does it matter? If I say 48, are you going to stone me in the town square? What if I say one, but it was a prostitute from the Bronx in exchange for some crack? It's only one, after all.
The point I'm trying to make is that in terms of health, it doesn't necessarily matter how many people your partner has been with before you. Whether she has had safe sex with 14 guys or unsafe sex with one, you are putting yourself at risk. Maybe they were 14 virgins. So besides health reasons, why do people care?
As a sex columnist, I have been asked a fair number of times what my "number" is. I have to wonder why it matters. Perhaps they want to see if it is high enough for them to warrant calling me a slut, or for a desperate guy to see if he has a chance. Perhaps it's simply curiosity.
I know of couples that revealed with how many people they had each slept. Take it from me: bad idea.
I can see the desire to be 100 percent honest with your partner, but there are also things you do not really want to know. It does not make your relationship any stronger by sharing this information.
So let's take all things into consideration in answering the question. Are we talking oral, vaginal, and/or anal sex? What if you were really drunk, does that count? What about one-night stands? Or even three-night stands? Should they really be on the same list as a partner who you slept with consistently for two years?
How about if it's some random girl from beach week and you honestly don't know her last name? Are you allowed to pretend it never really happened? And are we only talking heterosexual partners here? What about orgies? Count everyone involved?
The chief question only should be if your partner is clean. Or is that not what we are concerned about here?
Perhaps it's a moral dilemma. Do you want a "pure" partner? If so, why? For your own health benefit, or to know that this experience is special, not just a run-of-the-mill daily activity? Could it be that you don't want to have sex with a "slut?"
I did some (very) amateur research. It was anonymous, but was limited to people who looked at my online profile and took the time to fill out the survey. So most of the respondents were presumably my friends, or at the very least, my stalkers.
I asked how many was "too many." Forty percent of 92 people said that 10 partners was the breaking point. How does that compare to reality? Eighty one people said they had slept with anywhere from zero to 56 people. The average was 7.75, and that is factoring in over a dozen zeros. My personal favorite was "25-ish." Beautiful.
Prowling around Grounds, how does one "weed out" the ones that have a number higher than he or she would prefer? Do you ask for a catalog of his sexual history on the first date? Does character count for anything? Should you consider a partner's past in judging him or her? In my opinion, numbers do not define a person. They most likely occurred before you had even met your partner.
So in summary, I urge you all to take a look at the person you are evaluating, and ask yourself why you really want to know, and whether you are going to allow the answer to cast a shadow on your analysis of his or her character. And as for my number, I'll just say it's "none of your business" ... and counting.
Gretchen Zimmerman is a Cavalier Daily sex columnist. She can be reached at gretchen@cavalierdaily.com
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