TOMORROW the Republicans will renominate President George W. Bush, kicking off the final sprint in what some say is the most important election in a generation. With most polls showing he barely has 50 percent support and a statistical dead heat in all of the swing states, Bush needs to pull off something spectacular to get his campaign started again.
Instead, as he takes the stage at New York's Madison Square Garden, Bush will likely give a carefully scripted acceptance speech that will neither offend nor excite. If I were George W., here's what I would say to shake things up:
"My fellow Americans, tonight I want to be perfectly straight with you. My campaign has accused my opponent of being a flip-flopper, but I know I've not always been a model of clarity. Who can forget my January State of the Union address, when I said we had found in Iraq 'weapons of mass destruction-related program activities?' The speechwriter who wrote that gem should engage himself in looking-for-another-job-related activities.
"It's time I ditched my Washington handlers, talked Texas tough and told it like it is. This election is about three things: jobs, health care and the war on terror.
"My opponent talks a tough game when it comes to 'offshoring' jobs. He believes Mexican workers shouldn't have the right to make a living. He believes struggling Latin American, African and Asian peasants shouldn't have the same access to the global marketplace as Americans do. Those Massachusetts liberals rip my hide off in my foreign policy, accusing me of an America-first chauvinism, unilateralism and racism. But when it comes to the economy, they want to screw the poor abroad, hold workers down in menial jobs at home and keep everyone in poverty.
"So tonight I'll one-up my opponent. If he wants to pursue a policy of isolationism, if I win a second term, I'll appoint his wife as U.S. Trade Representative with a special message to the rest of the world: 'Shove it!' On the other hand, we can have a more compassionate policy that trains American workers to take the new and better jobs of the 21st century as we give the old hand-me-downs to unskilled foreign laborers.
"My opponent takes a similarly hard line on health care, proposing to 're-import' prescription drugs from Canada. He believes American politicians are too chicken to do directly what he wants to do under the table. Instead, he wants to send American-made drugs to Canada, where a Parliament that we don't elect will dictate what prices drugmakers can ask for, and then ship those drugs back to American consumers.
"So tonight I'll do my opponent one better. If he wants to pursue a policy of price controls, if I win a second term, I'll appoint him to the new position of prescription drug czar, where he can single-handedly set the prices of the hundreds of thousands of American medicines. But if he gets it wrong, needy patients will face shortages of drugs that are priced too low and pharmaceutical companies will be forced to can research on new drugs. Lieutenant, let's see what that Vietnam valor is all about. Of course, we can also have a more compassionate policy to cut the litigation tax -- the cost of frivolous lawsuits priced into drugs -- while giving vouchers to those who cannot afford prescriptions.
"On Iraq, my opponent has an equally hard head and hard heart. He wants to cut and run and leave Iraqis, who suffered under three decades of brutal dictatorship, to fend for themselves. As I said before, when it comes to the rest of the world, my opponent just doesn't give a damn. I'll be perfectly honest with you: We did not find the weapons of mass destruction we expected. But my opponent and 76 of his Senate colleagues and 296 of his House counterparts voted to authorize the use of force -- a vote he said he'd cast again knowing what we know today.
"So tonight I'll trump my opponent. If he wants to withdraw from the Middle East, if I win a second term, I'll send Dick Cheney over with the same message he gave to Vermont Senator Patrick Leahy: 'Go F- yourself.' On the other hand, we can have a more compassionate foreign policy that makes lemonade out of lemons. We can build Iraq up as a model of democracy for the region and let jobs, hope and freedom reign over the hate that breeds terror.
"My fellow Americans, my opponent talks a tough talk, but he can't walk the walk. Don't mess with Texas."
Eric Wang's column appears Wednesdays in The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at ewang@cavalierdaily.com.
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