Ah, Ohio. My home state, my pride and joy -- as long as I'm not living there. Ohio, because of its atomically similar shape and geographic placement, has the nickname "The Heartland of America," which, by the way, is so much better than Indiana -- "The Crossroads of America."
While I'm absolutely overjoyed to be back in Charlottesville, sometimes there's just not enough exiting news here.So, if you've been wondering what goes on in Cleveland, which no doubt you have, I can happily announce that I'm here to help that situation.
Cleveland has just one major newspaper and a smattering of local publications that purport to keep the public updated on all current events in the area ("Waffle House Opens!" or "Someone Tips Over a Cow!"). Thanks to these wonderful works of journalism, I can demonstrate just how "exciting" some heartland tales were this summer.
On July 15 in Cleveland's premier news source, The Plain Dealer, a page one story with a picture of doctor and patient ran with the headline: "Master Eyemaker Builds Smiles, Too." In case you were thinking, say, an oncologist, think again. The inset picture clears up questions with a picture of that same happy doctor and one of his creations -- a glass eye.
This, apparently, is front-page news, people.
We learn that Darrell Hardin is the "Cleveland-area's only full-time ocularist -- maker of prosthetic eyes." Well thank goodness I am informed, you know, in case one of my eyes falls out.
(True story, once my friend's older brother and his girlfriend were driving back from South Carolina with their dogs, and the girlfriend's dog got really stressed out and her eye popped out. They got it back in though.)
So the eyeball story was a human-interest story.
But on June 26, the business section ran this local story: "Alpaca Owners Sue Feed Company: As Many As 140 Animals Died from Tainted Food, Ohio Farmers Say."
It's true. Alpacas are damn big business in Ohio. Every other road has an alpaca farm. Why? I don't know. What the hell do Alpacas even do?
Other papers cover the agricultural industry as well, but they certainly don't have that right-in-your-backyard (literally) feel like the alpaca story. No wonder so many people are moving out of Ohio and into Florida -- they're worried the alpaca fiasco will kill our economy!
Well, even if the alpacas leave us a little short changed, luckily we have town festivals to reel in money. There's one almost every weekend, complete with not-so-sturdy looking rides, scarier looking ride operators and stands that sell foods like fried bologna and fried Swiss cheese on a stick. And gyros. Lots and lots of gyros.
Unlike the shoddy alpaca food makers, this booming market is tightly regulated.
On August 19, the people of Cleveland breathed a collective sigh of relief when they read a story by Michael Heaton titled, "Tossing Out the Tricksters."
According to the article -- complete with an inset box of carny (short for carnival-worker) lingo -- games at county fairs are regulated by inspectors to ensure their fairness for the trusting people attending county fairs around Ohio. I am so glad to hear that the 4H kids will be tossing regulation-sized rings around glass bottles for cheap stuffed animals.
One of Cleveland's most exciting events this summer, dutifully covered by The Plain Dealer, was the massive nude photo shoot that occurred downtown.
No joke.
The front page picture? A bajillion naked people lying down together. Okay, not really a bajillion, just 2,754. Almost 3,000 pale Clevelanders unclothed on East Ninth Street. Those people should be proud though.
"'That's the best picture I've ever taken,' artist-photographer Spencer Tunick said after directing his 'setup' by the lakefront," according to the picture's caption.
Damn straight. We Clevelanders are a handsome naked bunch.
Just a thought, though. What if you saw someone you knew at the photo-shoot? In particular, someone like your high-school math teacher? Or your friend's mom? Not the hot, Milf/Stacy's mom type, but the one who cooks, a lot.
I've saved the best for last. In the real small town "West Geauga Sun: News That's Really Close To Home," on June 24, the headliner was: "Chester's 'Secret' Tower: Neither Township Nor County Can Explain New Post-9/11 Tower."
According to the article, local zoning officials cannot explain the presence of the new communication tower. Chesterland's Zoning Inspector Mike Joyce (whose son had a very good senior homecoming party where the cops came, partied a bit with us, then left) commented that, "Neither I nor the Geauga County Engineer's office had any information about it."
The story continues on page A 11 for a full half paragraph, followed by a story on plans for a local high school reunion on July 9. That's my birthday!
You poor non-Ohioans who don't get to experience this on a day-to-day basis, this is rural Heartland for you. Secret towers, naked people, fake eye-makers, county fairs, alpaca scams and high school reunions. And that's about it. You may also note that I actually had the time to save all these articles. Yeah, that's pretty cool.
Clare Ondrey can be reached at Ondrey@cavalierdaily.com
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