It's 5 a.m. and you wake up in the fetal position, huddled on the edge of the bed, with no feeling in your extremities. You wonder why you're so cold when you roll over and look at your chosen sleeping partner for the night and, damn, if they aren't rolled up in all the covers like a human burrito. There is not even a corner in sight on which you could grab and pull to try to combat the freezing morning air. There is no telling how they achieved that perfect seamless tuck in their sleep, and, on a good day, I can appreciate this skill and think of it as an art form. Usually though, I'm more concerned for my fingers and toes and the threat of frostbite.
Here's your dilemma: Now that you're of a certain age and sexual appetite, you have these nightly encounters with members of the opposite (or same) sex. It doesn't really matter who it is. In the course of your four wild years at college, some strange things are bound to happen with people you've just bedded. People inevitably do any one of the following while sleeping: steal the covers, put in retainers, fart, drool, speak Spanish with their eyes wide open, puke or pee in the bed, kick/flail arms and my favorite, successfully occupy all, and I do mean all, of the queen-sized bed.
These issues plague everyone -- whether they are the perpetrator or the victim. The point is: How do you deal with these terrible mishaps? Well, I have come up with some post-midnight survival tips.
In the conflict over the sheets, you have two options: You can accept your fate as the loser in this situation or you can fight for your cover rights. Let's be smart here, I am not going to win pulling the covers back from a 6-foot-2-inch, 210 lb. high school football player; I have tried, but in no way did I retrieve any shred of his awful 200-thread count K-Mart sheets. So, if you can win the covers back, then hey, good for you, but those of us who are the smallest of the pair have got to be MacGyver-esque in our thinking.
If you're with a guy, there are definitely clothes on the floor. Use this to your advantage! It wasn't sexy, but I spent a few wee hours in a windbreaker with a damp towel wrapped around my legs. I didn't get hypothermia, so I considered losing some dignity and being a little grossed out, an even exchange. If you've been with this person awhile, you can rummage through the wardrobe/closet, but don't wake the person up because not only do you look psycho doing this, but no one likes to be woken to the sound of slamming drawers. They won't really question how you got those clothes later in the morning, especially if you're stealthy enough to change into your regular attire and get the hell out before they wake up.
Bodily functions in bed. What do you do? Here again you have two options. One, you can accept that this person was so wasted last night that they puked in your bed, thought you were the toilet and peed on you and then farted in the morning after you realized they had drooled all over your sheets. Or two, you can choose to never see him or her again. I think we can all safely say, if you binge drink like the average college student, you can be forgiving about these functions because you never know what you might do some night after Survivor Hour at the Biltmore and a lot of quality time with the Captain.
Drooling and snoring are entirely different issues because regardless of alcohol intake, most people still drool and snore. Maybe you could begin to think of drool stains on your pillow like notches in your bedpost, a visible log of all the people who have slept in your bed. Maybe you could begin drool-stain reading and try to discern the future from the shape of the stain. Maybe you get some of those Breathe Right strips and keep them with your condoms to whip out and affix to your sweetie's nose while he or she is asleep. I'm telling you, I drool and snore on occasion -- the prettiest girls I know do both -- it's just something you've got to get over.
I have received bruises after spending the night with boys who were David Beckham and Rocky in their dreams. You may just have to deal with it ... maybe package yourself in bubble wrap and/or tie all their limbs to the bedposts (I'll leave delving into how to do that to the sex columnist). This can also fix the problem of Sugarpie taking up all the space in the bed. I have also found a piece of wood to use as leverage to induce a roll back to the other side of the bed helpful.
Only once has someone spoken Spanish to me in their sleep, and it happened in seventh grade with my best girl friend. I took French, so you can imagine that waking up with her nose touching mine, her eyes wide open and her speaking a language I couldn't understand was a bit shocking. I have never recovered. I don't know how to tell you to deal with this. I only hope it never happens to you.
I will end with the issue of retainers and headgear. Headgear is fabulous; we used to pretend my friend was a pilot whenever she wore hers at sleepovers and would ask her permission to put our tray tables down and take off our seatbelts. As far as the entrance of these devices into your sexcapades, please, please, I beg of you, check your orthodontics at the door. There are just no two ways around it, NOTHING can ruin a mood like some unexpected metal in your mouth.
Good luck with all this. And just remember, if you get peed on, at least it's the cleanest type of bodily fluid.
Lindsay can be reached at McCook@cavalierdaily.com
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