My eyes shot open, and I wondered who covered my Britney poster with one of Bon Jovi. Wait a minute, I say to myself, that's not my wall! Where the hell am I? I cautiously turn my head to discover a snoring, slobbering mass next to me. Oh damn.
Such is the schema of the morning after a one-night stand. Whether it was too much alcohol, drugs or reruns of "Sex and the City," you tossed your standards and/or rational thoughts aside in the name of lust.
Now what? Do you try to sneak out without waking him? What if he wakes up when you open the door and you are caught in the act of running out in embarrassment?
Who is this guy? Is he that guy in your Econ class that you're going to have to face every Tuesday and Thursday for the rest of the semester? Maybe he's that platonic friend of a friend who was just conveniently around at the right, or wrong, time. Perhaps you met at Survivor Hour and it all went downhill from there.
Or what if you brought him to your house? How do you get him to leave? My advice is just go back to sleep, and hopefully he'll be gone when you wake up.
I was talking to a male friend recently, one whom I have a great deal of respect for, for reasons like this: "I'm glad I've never had a random hookup here at U.Va., because I never have to worry about awkwardly running into her around Grounds or at bars," he told me. If only I had thought of this before.
In addition to this morning-after awkwardness, one-night stands can endanger both health and emotions.
Returning to my oh-so-technical sex survey from last month, out of 78 people, 26 percent said they had never had a one-night stand. This means that that other 74 percent out there are risking the awkward morning after in search of a lively lay.
Being overly promiscuous can prove to be severely harmful to your health. Planned Parenthood quotes that by the age of 24, one in three sexually active adults will contract a sexually transmitted infection (the new PC/technical term for STD). Those are really bad odds, so I suggest carrying a condom to the Corner if you think there's a chance of a casual romp in the evening's itinerary. If one were to have unprotected sex during a one-night stand, it would probably be pretty difficult to pin the culprit by the time you realize something is wrong. According to Planned Parenthood, it is estimated 15 million new cases of STIs are diagnosed in the United States every year. Of sexually active people, one in three will have contracted a STI by age 24.
Fourth-year College student Delilah Finch (name changed to protect the not-so-innocent) details her morning-after experience:
"The icing on the cake of awkwardness was the mile-long walk of shame at 7:30 a.m., and the honking townies on their way to their construction sites and respective workplaces. I didn't have any form of backpack, so going to class was just not an implied excuse."
Then what? What happens when she sees him now?
"I wonder what he's thinking, and if he's imagining me naked, because I sure as s*** am."
One-night stands aren't for everyone. They may be good for convenient copulation, but can get messy if one participant wants more commitment than the other, or if it was obviously a mistake and will cause tension in a relationship. Lucky Seven is open 24 hours and conveniently located near bars. Or you can be like the guy who lives in the apartment downstairs and ask for an extra condom at 2:30 a.m. Hey, what are neighbors for?
Gretchen Zimmerman is a Cavalier Daily sex columnist. She can be reached at Gretchen@cavalierdaily.com.
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