I've been writing this column for year or so, which translates to about 20 columns and occasional alienation from the dudes. Needless to say, at one point or another, no matter how much you hate/love the opposite sex because of your horrible ex/wonderful boyfriend, one might start to run out of material.
So when one of my best friends came into my room last week with a book her mom had sent her, I perused it for some interesting column topics.
The book: "He's Not That Into You." The claim to fame: Oprah.
Thus, if you are a chick and haven't heard about it, you're way behind your duties as an American woman. And if you are a guy, you probably have no idea what I am talking about.
But please, don't stop your edification here, because what I am about to recap (or really just mockingly spin off of) is information you gentlemen need to know we know. This way you may combat whatever evil forces you equate with books like "The Rules" and magazines like "Cosmo." And please, feel free to interject "she" if it applies to your sexual preference. I'm just too lazy to do the whole "he/she" grammatically correct crap.
He's not that into you if ...
He is your best friend.
Yeah, most of us have a best guy friend. We all claim we don't like him, but if you ask around, I bet all of us have either fantasized or actually hooked up with him. As much as we want to debate Billy Crystal in "When Harry Met Sally," we all know from experience that having a close friend of the opposite sex is basically having a boyfriend ... without sex (or making out ... whatever you crazy kids do these days).
But even with that said, there's a reason y'all are friends and nothing more. Maybe he likes you and is too shy to tell you. Maybe you like him and he has no idea. Whatever the case, neither one of you is "into" each other enough to step up and do something about it. Not to say there isn't potential, but still, we all need to love ourselves enough to stop our pining and wishing if this relationship looks like it is going to stay where it is ... buddies, video games, advice on the other's OTHER relationship.
He asks you to a date function the day of.
It's 12 noon on a Friday. You and your friends are grabbing breakfast/ hangover cure at Bodo's, and your cell rings. You answer the phone and Joe Schmo on the other end is roughly stumbling through an apologetic, "I want you to go to this thing with me tonight. I didn't know I had to have a date, but ..."
I would like to think that this would never happen, but hey, I've been around three years, and the only times I've known about a date function more than a day or two in advance is when I have been dating the guy.
Key word: dating. Meaning: he's into you. Hence, invitation that gives you enough time to do more than shower and show up. Point: if a guy isn't going to ask you to a date function within a respectable time frame (two, three days in advance?), chances are he's not into you enough to really pursue and court you. And chances are, you don't want to be involved with a guy who isn't willing to put in the effort and make the time you give him worth your while. Right?
He shows less or equal amount of interest in you as his drink.
We, as a general population, booze. A lot. Almost to a scary amount.
And we, as a general population, find it so much easier to express ourselves when we do booze, or at least, it's easier to lay it on the line for a late-night rendezvous. Yet, if you find yourself being equated to a Bourbon-Ginger, instead of being more important than that Bourbon-Ginger, you probably need to take the hint.
I.e. only get phone calls when he's out at bars, or even worse, walking home? I hate to be the one to tell you, and possibly hurt some chances of hooking up this weekend, but these drunkards, my dear friends, aren't that into YOU, per se, at least not enough to suck it up and call you before they suck up the entire bottle of gin.
He broke up with you.
As sad as it is and as much as we hate it, breaking up is hard to do. But once it is done, the best thing we can do for ourselves is to admit it's over and move on. Don't get me wrong: cry, mourn, yell, borrow my plastic baseball bat, but do it all with the goal of getting over him.
Dressing up more than normal when you know you'll see him or making sure he hears you're going on a date in order to get his attention is wasted effort on a person that has made it apparent he a) isn't into the relationship and b) isn't worth the worry.
Besides, it's refreshing to wash your hands of someone who's not that into you to the point that he won't work it out, refuses to put in the effort, can't be open with his emotions, cheats on you, etc., etc.
With all of this said, I hope we all know that even if someone's not that "into" us, it's not necessarily us. In relationships, it's about you and another person and sometimes, those pairings are about as cool as the bouncers at Jaberwoke.
But when people aren't into us, we're tempted to think it's somehow our fault, whether it is a lack of certain qualities or bad breath. But let me give you free advice that cost me lots of sleepless nights and wasted time to tears: Don't sell yourself short.
If he's not that into you, recognize that it's his loss and your good fortune, for one less person is sorted out of your dating future. My dear ladies and gents, for every person who hasn't been into us, someone out there will be.
And that's a book I'd like to read.
Callan Blount can be reached at blount@cavalierdaily.com
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