I'm supposed to turn these articles in by Tuesday afternoon. Those of you who watch the news (or, let's face it: "The Daily Show") know that the election was held yesterday, so I had to write this column before a president was elected. Through careful examination of polls, Yesterday I predicted our next president: Ralph Nader (margin of error: plus or minus one president).
But in case I'm wrong, I decided to blatantly rip off SNL and present "A Glimpse into our Nation's Future!"
In a John Kerry America:
November 2004: John Kerry elected president.
February 2005: Howard Dean named Secretary of Yelling at Stuff.
March 2005: Leno realizes he can use all of the boring and long-winded Al Gore jokes all over again. Rejoice!
April 2005: Kerry signs bill making it legal to mess with Texas.
May 2005: Texas secedes from Union. Rest of nation secretly happy.
September 2005: While asking U.N. for critical military support in the new War on Canada, the U.S. fails global test. Scored low on math and P.E.
September 2006: Separation between church and state intensifies. Divorce in the works. America must tithe 10 percent in alimony.
October 2006: John Edwards finds six-year-old lockbox hidden in desk in vice president's office. Social Security saved!
June 2008: John Kerry's four-year reign of flip-flopping has evolved into a brand new level of indecisiveness: flop-flipping.
November 2008: Smarmy college newspaper humor writer writes hypothetical versions of next four years dependent on the winner of the Kerry vs. Cyborg-Cheney election.
In a George W. Bush America:
November 2004: George W. Bush reelected President.
November 2004: P. Diddy compares voter rolls to census numbers. Murders non-voters.
January 2005: Florida secedes from Union. Rest of nation openly happy.
May 2005: Middle East bombed. Yep, the whole damn thing.
August 2005: President declares war on Canada for bogarting cheap prescription drugs.
September 2005: President skydives onto hockey rink, unfurls "Mission Accomplished" banner.
February 2005: President issues draft to fully assemble the "armies of compassion" he spoke about during the debates.
March 2005: Every U.S. citizen issued "AK-47 of Mercy."
May 2005: Criticism of president officially illegal. Greenpeace, MoveOn.org, PETA declared Axis of Upheaval.
September 2007: Jenna Bush nominated at Republican National Convention. Allegations of being AWOL during Great Canadian War plague her.
In a Ralph Nader America:
November 2004: Ralph Nader elected president.
December 2004: Cure found for mysterious illness that temporarily paralyzed millions on Election Day, yet spared Green party hippies.
January 2005: Industry declared illegal.
February 2005: Valentine's Day cards deemed cruel to trees, replaced with Valentine's Day Saplings.
March 2005: St. Patrick's Day reverence of the four-leaf clover inspires President Nader. St. Patrick's Day extended for one month.
April 2005: Thousands of frat boys develop alcoholism from month-long drinking binge. No one notices.
August 2005: Eric runs out of tree-hugging jokes; never bothers to finish developing Nader's alternate universe.
In a Michael Badnarik America:
Nov. 3, 2004: Nation lets out a collective, "Who?"
In an Eric Cunningham America:
Jan. 20, 2005: No one seems to comment on the fact that they're swearing in a 20-year-old with no experience or particular reason to be president.
Jan. 21, 2005: President Cunningham resigns. Vice President Jon Stewart takes the helm.
Jan. 22, 2005: World Peace breaks out. War declared only appropriate when hilarious. Jokes become international currency. President Stewart signs bill ensuring Eric Cunningham will never do political humor ever again. Ever.
(Don't be mad, all your favorite 90s television references and painfully obvious daily observations will return next week, I promise.)
Eric can be reached at Cunningham@cavalierdaily.com
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