Mary Kay, Longaberger, Tupperware: What do these three companies have in common? Answer: They all have "parties." Basically there is a group of people (women) who get together, and one person there is a "distributor" of the products. Everyone looks at samples and catalogs, then buys and orders. It's just a barrel of fun, I'm sure.
Now, there's a new trend in the world of distribution parties: sex toys.
Yes, it's true. A distributor comes to the party to present an array of toys, games and accessories for sale, along with catalogs full of products that can be ordered.
So what kinds of products can one find? There is a wide variety, but I'll just highlight a few.
There are some at the mild end of the spectrum, for those who are not as eager or experimental. "Joy Glitter" sells for $8 and is just body glitter gel that comes in four colors. Your little sister might let you borrow hers, so save your money. You can also get Sex Bubbles, which is bubble bath in a fancy bottle, or Pleasure Wipes, which are essentially baby wipes that smell like flowers instead.
Now, onto the more interesting stuff: Everyone has heard of vibrators and dildos, but this company takes these sorts of products very seriously. There are over 25 different vibrators, from the basic to the "dual penetrator." They start as low as $15, but for those big spenders out there, two models go for $120 each! I guess it's a good idea to invest in a quality piece of equipment, but your life is a sad, sad tale if your hard earned $120 buys your sexual pleasure.
There are party favors, in case you ever want to throw your own bash. Nothing says, "I love you" like a cake in the shape of a penis.
Maybe a Love Swing is what you need. I'm sure it's a great idea to install a sex contraption from your ceiling, so that whenever anyone comes over -- be it a potential partner or your parents -- they can be reminded that you are willing to shell out $130 in the name of experimental positions.
Always been interested in bondage but didn't know where to start? Then the Beginner's Bondage kit is for you. You can prance around your apartment in the satin love mask while brandishing your leather whip in case anyone gets too naughty. (Note: Imagine anyone you know -- anyone at all -- in a "satin love mask" with a whip, while prancing. It's funny, isn't it?)
Why on earth would anyone need a vibrating key chain ball? (It claims to be a small and discreet "massager.") Because you never know when you might be out, grocery shopping, in class, driving to work, and have a hankering for a mind blowing orgasm, which you can remedy with your key chain! How convenient!
For the artistic consumer, there are also doodle pads with the crucial parts of the picture left for you to draw in. If this doesn't sound like hours of rainy day fun, I don't know what does.
My friends and I are big on straws in our mixed drinks. I may order some "Sippy Dick Straws" in bulk, since they are "perfect for a bachelorette party or a night out with the girls." The party doesn't start until the Sippy Dick Straws show up. Perhaps Buddhist should invest in these gems.
So what ever happened to good old-fashioned sex? Apparently if you don't have some sort of accessory, you are missing out. Maybe I'm behind the times, but condoms and KY Silk-E are the only staples in my sexual repertoire. And my friends and I agree: Every 21-year-old woman should own a Jack Rabbit. If you don't know what that is, you are behind the times.
Gretchen Zimmerman is a Cavalier Daily sex columnist. She can be reached at gretchen@cavalierdaily.com
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