Aquick disclaimer to the University community: So last week I was at a party, and a guy introduced me to his friends with "hey guys, this is Gretchen. She's the sex columnist." No more, no less. Obviously this is not solely what I want to be known for. Just because a woman is up front about her sexuality does not mean she should be defined by it. My closer friends know me as the designated driver who tries to "save" stray animals on a regular basis.
If you meet me, do not try to hook up with me solely to make a point or for bragging rights. You should know that you are running the risk of your penis size and sexual abilities being scrutinized the following Monday in a paper with a circulation of 10,000.
So this week, let's discuss bedroom sports and fouls. First, "boozing it up sweet" will likely result in one or both partners failing to have an "orgasmic-ally" good time. One time I was with a guy who'd had a bit too much to drink. Not only did he pass out early in the game, but I awoke in the middle of the night to him stumbling around, clearly looking for the bathroom. He's a big boy; I figured he could find it. I heard him peeing, but realized that the bathroom light was not on. So I crawled to the end of the bed to look in the hallway. He had one arm against the wall, peeing on the floor.
Flag on the offense.
What is the proper protocol here? This play was definitely not in the book. I mean clearly it's not acceptable to urinate on your hostess's floor, right? He seemed to be in a semi-sleep state. Do I throw something at him to rouse (not A-rouse) him from his drunken stupidity? Then what? That would be awkward. After he tumbled back into bed, I got up and put a towel down on the floor until morning. I woke up and he was gone, and when I spoke to him later, he didn't remember it. I feel like he still kind of owes me. (On that note, Mister Pisser, I need extra tickets to both of the next home games. Hook me up.)
While we're on topic of fair play between the sheets, there's a move that some guys sometimes use in the bedroom that should be strictly prohibited, punishable by castration. Girls know it: the head shove. There are two variations of this maneuver. The first is when the female is clearly not in the vicinity of choice for the guy, and he tries to "subtly" urge her in that direction. Boys: We'll do what we want, when we want. If you want something, ask; don't try to herd us like cattle. If the girl was even considering oral sex before, the guy blows his chances (hah!) with the head shove.
The second variation is when the girl has already felt generous in the evening. Yet the guy feels the need to put his hand on the back of her head and "direct" her. The head shove is grounds for an automatic DQ, and guys should not be surprised when the girl leaves. And tells all of her friends, who you no longer have a chance in hell with. I have heard stories time and time again about guys who try this. Do us a favor: Go try sticking a cucumber (or more appropriately a hot dog) towards that little hangy-ball thing in the back of your throat, and let me know how it turns out for you.
Finally, a related complaint: Sex seems to be a man's sport in terms of logistics (I feel angry e-mails coming on). Hear me out. After a guy reaches orgasm, he has a 20-minute refractory period when he cannot get an erection. Guys, allow us to be the coach once in awhile, otherwise you run the risk of leaving us dissatisfied. If you let us up to bat first, you can think of it as an RBI. Everybody wins.
Gretchen Zimmerman is Cavalier Daily sex columnist. She can be reached at Gretchen@cavalierdaily.com
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