I am a pretty clumsy, awkward person. From walking down the street to eating spaghetti, I usually succeed at looking like an absolute fool, whatever the activity. I usually say things without thinking and tell bad stories, too (I know this and try to compensate by ending my stories with "... and then I found $5" -- never really works in recovering the story).
It's no big deal, don't pity me; I'm used to it. This ineptness is part of the reason why my friends think I'm funny; they laugh at me, not with me. You've probably been a witness to one of my less than graceful moments -- almost everyone has. So, for your entertainment here are some fun, embarrassing (true) tales of my inelegance.
The princess and the pebble
Last month, I was leisurely walking down Rugby Road and needed to cross to the other side. Well, halfway across the road, I somehow rolled my ankle on the only minute piece of gravel in my path and collapsed on the yellow lines with oncoming traffic rapidly approaching. Only about, oh, 80 people were nearby and saw the whole thing. To save face, I turned and stared maliciously at the offending rock as if to say "How dare you, Rock?!" as I scrambled not to be hit by a UTS bus. Stationary objects equal huge problems for me.
Lay off the steroids
I'm on the bus. We're packed in like sardines, so I'm standing. I reach up to grab onto the little black loop for some support. I apply downwards pressure to the loop; it breaks straight off the bar leaving me holding a plastic strap and wearing a completely baffled expression (I am not at all strong). The following comments ensued from the plethora of guys standing around me: "Watch out boys, she's trying to impress us!" and "I think you're stronger than I am!" I muttered something about hating my life and that it must have been a faulty loop.
The debacle at the dentist
Over fall break, I went to my dentist and the hygienist turned out to be this older guy from my high school. It's like 10 in the morning, I've still got morning breath irregardless of the fact that I've already brushed, flossed and mouthwashed. So, this guy who I have never really talked to in my life is cleaning my teeth for me. I've got on those big shooting-range type glasses to keep water from splashing into my eyes and have a bib clipped around my neck. Clearly, I looked super sexy. Of course then he starts asking me questions, and you can't be expected to answer with tools and trays and fingers in your mouth. I ended up just making indecipherable noises and kind of spitting everywhere. Obviously, he asked me out on a date and we're now engaged (no).
The deskjet wins again
One day, I was innocently printing some reading when my printer decided to jam itself. It got greedy and decided to feed itself eight pages of paper at once. After awhile, I was only able to rip all the excess paper out so that only one square millimeter was available for my fingers to grasp. I unplugged the printer from my computer and the wall and sat in the middle of the floor with it on my lap literally beating on it à la Zoolander. My printer was able to bring me to my knees, cause my fingers to bleed and cover me with red, blue and yellow stripes because somehow the color ink cartridge busted simultaneously. Sad.
Jeans are not made of spandex
My friend takes her little sibling from Madison House to the park a lot. So, I come, too (I like swings). Brenda, the 8-year-old, wanted me to teach her to do a cartwheel. So, whilst explaining this difficult move, I kind of simulated the moves and then actually did said acrobatic action. Yep, with my legs spread eagle in the air midway through the stupid thing, my jeans ripped. Ahem, you know where. Thankfully, no one happened to be at Washington Park except for Brenda and my friend who, coincidentally, ruined her pants in another fashion because she was laughing at me so hard.
"IDIOT!"
I was headed to class, walking down the steps in Cabell, and I ran into this guy I have never seen on Grounds before. Flustered, I said, "So, do you, like, have class here or something?" (Put a hair toss in there). This guy, witty as all get out, replied, completely deadpan, "No, I'm just walking laps." Smooth, Linds, good job. Anything would've sufficed for me to say other than that. A simple, "How 'bout them Dodgers?" would've even been fine.
So, everyday, I deal with how uncool I am. Sometimes I drop my pencil in class and it rolls down five rows about 15 minutes into the lecture, so I spend the whole class with no writing utensil. Most days I walk by the leaf blowers on the sidewalk and I get a lovely mouthful of damp leaves because I time it just right. On a truly unslick day, I fall on the steps in Cabell during those 10 minutes between classes when everyone and her middle school boyfriend are around.
In all reality, I should've checked out of the hotel called Life and given up by now, but I'm kind of enjoying this humorous existence I lead and am at least eeking a quasi-professional writing career out of it.
And then I found $5.
Lindsay McCook is a Cavalier Daily Columnist.
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