It's all about early 90s TV shows. Everythinganybody needs to know in life can be found in one of the numerous shows that today's University students watched when they were growing up. So let's take a walk down our television-enhanced memories and see what we learned.
"Reading Rainbow": The mothership of all learning programs. Even though LeVar Burton was simultaneously starring in "Star Trek: The Next Generation," he still found time to read us all those great stories of our youth like "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie" and "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day." Don't even lie to yourself, you can still sing the theme song. Butterfly in the sky, I can go twice as high... LeVar made sure we were nine-year-olds with sophisticated reading tastes.
"Mr. Rogers": Another PBS winner. This show terrified me when I was a kid, but here's a basic rundown of principles we learned: Change shoes when you come indoors, change cardigans often and always make sure you have puppets around for role play.
"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles": If you ever for some reason lose your body, you can encase your brain in a fish bowl, attach robot arms to yourself and attempt world domination with your evil sidekick, Shredder. It will work until you're foiled by four mutant turtles and a rat. Speaking of which, if you ever run into a mutant rat while hanging around in the sewer, get him to teach you all of his cool Ninja tricks. This is how I became a Ninja. You might even meet a really hot reporter in a yellow jumpsuit. Also, TMNT was the origin of our generation's love for pizza. Michelangelo loved it, and we all wanted to be Michelangelo, so bring on the Pizza Hut.
"Full House": The most wholesome family programming of all time. What didn't we learn from DJ, Uncle Jesse, Steph and Uncle Joey? Even that kooky Danny Tanner knew what he was talking about. Here are some good lessons: If you're seven years old, it is not a good idea to take Uncle Jesse's car without permission, as you will inevitably drive it into the house. If your crazy neighbor Kimmie tries to make cooler friends than you, just remember--even though you may be upset--that she'll come back to you in due time. If you're interested in a rock star who worships Elvis, be prepared that he will spend more time and money on his hair than you do. Also, don't worry if you get a zit on the day you have yearbook pictures. Everybody gets zits--see if anyone wants to play "Connect the Dots." Oh, "Full House," you were so good.
Since I've already been so wholesome, I'll skip the Mickey Mouse Club, but we know we all watched it. Most notably, we learned that if you were on the show, you had a 30 percent chance of becoming a sex-crazed pop star (à la Justin Timberlake, Christina Aguilera or our Lady of White Trash, Britney Spears).
Nickelodeon was a powerhouse of TV shows in the early 90s; think "Doug," "Wild and Crazy Kids," "GUTS," "Hey Dude," and "You Can't Do That on Television!" But "Salute Your Shorts" was Nickelodeon's best show. We all know that "Salute Your Shorts" helped us learn many great things, such as: If your camp counselor's last name is Lee, call him Ug, so you get Ug Lee; Sponge may be a nerd, but he knows that a giraffe's tongue is black and this knowledge can win you the radio contest; and finally, "heart" rhymes with "fart" and you should always substitute "fart" for "heart" in camp songs.
"Fresh Prince of Bel Air": Will and Carlton were role models for everyone. I learned all my dance moves from Carlton (thus explaining my lack of suitors). Will taught us a plethora of things, including a really sweet rap. First, the more attitude you have, the better. Don't pretend to be preppy just to impress a girl--she probably likes bad boys anyway. Flat tops are so hot. If you find a best friend named Jazz, you will increase your cool quotient by 200 percent. There is no defining the awesomeness of this show. I have no words.
That brings us to the mother of all early 90s TV shows that shaped our lives.
"Saved by the Bell": Zack Morris = a stonewashed denim god. The lessons learned from this show are so extensive that I can only touch on a select few. If your cell phone is larger than 3" x 5" x 2," you are using a dinosaur. Date the beach resort owner's daughter, if only to make her dad angry. When you go to college, everything changes. Caffeine pills are not cool, just ask Jessie Spano. Calling your girlfriend "Mama" and having her call you "Papa" is the most awesome thing ever. The Max is always the place to be, and the Sprain is the dance of the century. Find yourself a Kelly Kapowski. And last, but not least, everybody needs a dorky but lovable friend named Screech.
I know I haven't done these shows justice, and frankly, I don't have enough space. Fortunately, you can always check all these shows out in syndication on good ole TBS.
Lindsay can be reached at mccook@cavalierdaily.com.
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