D ue to the recent attack on my person insinuating that I constantly havesome sort of alcohol running through my bloodstream, I received an IM from my mother asking if I was an alcoholic. Let me assure all of my adoring fans, concerned parents and circulation readers that I am not, nor do I ever plan on being, an alcoholic.
In fact, the reason for this accusation stems not from my alcohol intake, but from my personality. I may act in a way that can be considered similar to those who are intoxicated, even though I am dead sober. I enjoy putting my hair in side ponytails and jumping around to Bruce Springsteen, even if other people are watching! I embrace my inner child; I skip, try not to step on cracks and sometimes only step on certain color tiles at the airport. People who try to act grown-up all the time bore me.
With that said, Connor's column is fluff. Good fluff. One might even say, Northern Ohio fluff. We love him anyway -- even my mother said so in a separate IM. I blame it on his (and my) senior English teacher. Her name is Mrs. Kenny and she would love his column. She'd say I didn't have enough irony in mine. She likes irony as a literary tool.
I blame most of this on A-J's Tuesday column. Just like I am not an alcoholic, McCook is not a ditz. Erin Gaetz likes to call A-J "Hyphen-boy," and she's correct. Who ever heard of an A-J? I knew an A.J. when I was little, but never an A-J. Hyphen shmyfen.
Column wars are fun, especially for those of us who read the columns every day, and that group consists of us columnists and our editors. We love us! We love inside jokes too! Unfortunately, our inside jokes have to be accompanied by another 800 words of column. It's very tricky business insulting someone and making some sort of statement. Tricky, tricky.
So back to me being like a little kid. Little kids can only insult people by calling them poopy-heads or silly bears. Ah, unfortunately, I feel like even with such strong words as those, A-J would not renounce his hyphen. Nor would Connor cut his hair. Because I generally try to encourage niceness, I will not perpetuate this cycle of insulting-ness any more than I already have. I will also try to use real words. I have already spoken to a couple of people on the topic of Erin attempting to fight me, and it's unanimous that I would beat her to a pulp. So, I don't think she'll be trying anything soon.
To those of you who don't understand some of these comments, this is your lesson to read our columns more often. Much like how "Adult Swim" has a theme every night, though I can never figure it out, I encourage us column writers to start theme-ing our columns for a more unified, more buff Life section. One theme could be the Cleveland Browns. I'd love to hear what the style column says about Brown and Orange as a fashion statement.
I only hope this column war brought about some good, too. Hopefully, my name will get enough recognition now that I will no longer have to say, "Ondrey, with an 'O' " when spelling my name. People get very confused by my last name. I learned that when I was an actual little girl.
Through this short address to the University community and to those elsewhere who are reading this, I hope to clear my name of any misunderstandings about me and bottles of Olde English. I don't even know what that is. Honestly. Someone e-mail and tell me what it is. I'm kind of curious.
Feel free to ask for proof of this; the kind gentlemen of 806 Tunlaw Place (my neighbors) have assured me they would vouch for my good name -- especially Aaron Grisdale. Aaron Grisdale who begged me upon his knees to be mentioned in this column. That's the kind of power I now hold. No one should ever give a little kid, or a rumored alcoholic, this much power. Although I guess the latter is a bit more common.
Next column I promise to return to more thematic and not so self-centered topics in hopes that I may better the community at large by imparting my ideas on how people should treat each other. However, let me indulge in this last bit of egotistic writing and imagine myself as some sort of minor celebrity who hasn't quite made the pages of "US Weekly" yet. Particularly the page titled, "Stars: Just like us!" and features pictures of famous persons tying their shoes or pumping gas. So fascinating! Paris Hilton buys coffee just like I do!
In closing, I encourage each and every reader to take a break from worrying about Comm School applications or Chem Lab and play Hungry Hungry Hippos for a while. Sure, Life columnists may start referring to you as an alcoholic, but when you scoop those little tasty treats into your victorious hippo's mouth, you'll remember the glory days of recess and show-and-tell and understand why us Life columnists have to be a little too goofy sometimes.
That doesn't excuse the hyphen, though.
Clare can be reached at ondrey@cavalierdaily.com.
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