It's war in the Cavalier Daily offices. At the Life Section meeting last week, new editors Hannah Woolf and Michelle Jamrisko declared a new chapter in the history of the paper.
The Life Section is "All Buff, No Fluff" from now on.
Trust us. The slogan is good.
Ms. Woolf stood up in front of the packed house of columnists, associate editors and feature writers. Calming the crowd, she entreated them to pursue journalistic integrity, liberty, fraternity and equality, and told Eric Cunningham to "Stop being unfunny!"
Yes, following the wild, drunken reign of Meghan Moran and Elizabeth Katz, things are going to run about as smoothly as a German car.
Columnist Lindsay McCook was thrilled at the news, saying, "Like, I totally respect, like, this move toward, like, totally cool journalistic amazing things. I love Hannah, she is like so amazing and I can't wait to start thinking of this week's column."
Students at the University deserve a Life section that tackles real issues and does not represent the stories of disgruntled columnists who choose to whine about fights with their mother or the previous weekend's drunken adventures.
Clare Ondrey, former "The Girl from Ohio" columnist, raised her bottle of Olde English in the meeting and objected to the last criterion. Ms. Ondrey indicated, "I no have [hiccup] story without drunky drunk beer [trails off]."
Ms. Ondrey proceeded to pass out.
Many students at the University do not understand the day-to-day operations of The Cavalier Daily. Much like the Honor Committee, the paper remains as much a mystery to most students as particle physics or Erin Gaetz's "They're-funny-because-they're-random!" jokes.
Little do many realize that The Cavalier Daily has its own politics, its own sub-culture, its own basement offices in Newcomb Hall (free tours daily!) and its own nuclear power generator.
This is where all the excitement of Real! Live! Action! Journalism! happens every day, except Fridays and Saturdays, when no one ever finds anything to write about. A little-known fact is that many members of the Opinion Section actually live in The Cavalier Daily offices. Glued to their computers staring alternatively at CNN.com and EHarmony.com (where all Opinion staffers have accounts), these dedicated writers spend 22 hours each day scouring the news for something to complain about.
Occasionally, Newcomb Hall staff comes by to hose the section down and get rid of the smell.
New Life Section writers like Teresa Wood often try to make friends with Opinion staff, but are often turned away with guttural growls and metallic warnings to "Step Away from the Opinion Section. Step Away from the Opinion Section."
"[Expletive] you, then," Ms. Wood says. "All I wanted to [unprintable] ask is if any of you mother[fudgers] wanted to go sake bombing with the Life Section."
At this, the entire Opinion Section explodes into staccato laughter.
"Enjoy your alcoholic beverages, Life section," they chant together. "We shall be working, working, working."
Opinion Editor Mike Slaven shouts from his computer, "Silence, minions! Back to work!" He scratches his beard and chuckles softly. The clicking of keys resumes.
"Man, I love this school so much!" comes Connor Sullivan's voice from the Life desk. He starts to cry. "I think I'm going to write six columns in a row about how I love U.Va. and everyone in it! And flowers and rainbows and puppies!"
"God, not now," everyone says.
"This is exactly what we're talking about," says Ms. Jamrisko. "Eric, go get the harpoon. It's time we had one less fluff columnist."
Hours later at Amigo's, with Connor dead and the Life section on its seventh margarita, the battle plans are drawn.
We realize that the best way to ensure journalistic integrity is not to keep killing writers. But with the section so small, there is only one viable option for toppling the authority of the Opinion and News Sections.
Together with the other underappreciated sections at The Cavalier Daily, the Life section will launch a first strike on the nuclear generator in The Cavalier Daily offices. Then, using covert operations, sophisticated watches that have beeping alarms and plenty of cable, we will kidnap Curran and hold him hostage next to the reactor core.
Following this, Clare Ondrey will get drunk.
Then, using the Arts & Entertainment strike force and special operatives from Tableau, the Coalition of Brilliance (as the attack force is to be known) will infiltrate Editor-in-Chief Patrick Harvey's offices. Once there, we will demand that the Opinion and News sections step down and stop pushing around the rest of the paper.
"Oh! And then I can step up and be General and Supreme Commander for Life," I yell from atop a table.
"Señor! Señor! Get down from there," a concerned waitress shouts from the bar.
"Never!" I say in defiance. "Viva la Sección LIFE!"
Cheers surround me as I am carried off victoriously into the night.
"Just make sure to keep these plans a secret," says Ms. Jamrisko to me.
"What do you think, I'm going to put them in a column or something? Jeez, you think I have nothing better to write about than our battle plan? I'm interesting! I'm important!"
Woops.
Well, once again, the Life Section regrets hiring me. According to my count, that's the 4,231st time in my two-year career. Not a bad start, but it's certainly fewer than I had at first anticipated.
We're looking for many writers. Join us now, and you too can be part of the movement to eliminate me and Eric Cunningham and ensure a bright future for the Life Section.
All Buff, No Fluff.
Simple, beautiful. A new horizon dawns in the distance.
Whatever, we're all going to drink.
A-J Aronstein can be reached at aronstein@cavalierdaily.com.
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