This is my 21st column for the Cavalier Daily. Such a monumental achievement of journalistic grandiosity and excellence could not have been possible without the support of my adoringly devoted fan base.
That is, no one would take my place if I got fired.
To thank my readers for their loyalty, I will answer some of the questions that have come up in the mountainous piles of fan mail and give an inside look into the biweekly construction of "The Yankee." In preparation, Cavalier Daily editors pored over the stacks of perfume-laced letters, rifled through boxes of rose petals and sorted through the e-mail correspondence that floods our servers every day.
Sally Saunders from Sioux City writes, "Dear A-J, your columns are not funny at all. I wish your columns were more like that other columnist. What's his name? Dave Barry. Your columns would be much funnier if you were like Dave Barry. You should write like him."
Personally, I believe that my columns function on a higher stylistic plane than Dave Barry's. Innumerable fans have mentioned my complex metatextual references to literary theory and other envelope-pushing, fancy-sounding things. So to Ms. Saunders, I say, "[unprintable] you and I hope that you [unprintable] your neck on an [unprintable] pitchfork while falling on a pile of [unprintable] cats."
Douglas Dinford of Fort Wayne, Texas, asks, "How do you come up with ideas when you write? I am an aspiring writer who loves your columns. Does the process involve machinery, mind control, space aliens from Pluto, or do you come up with them in some other manner?"
Douglas asks a great question. The conception, gestation and eventual birth process of an idea is a long, complicated road that usually begins the night before a column is due. Occasionally, it begins an hour before a column is due, depending on the time of the semester and whether or not a column is due the day after Spring Break and the night after a party.
"Don't you have to write a column?" a friend will ask.
Though your first instinct may be to punch this friend in the face, the trick is not to panic. Ideas must grow on their own and must not be poked or prodded at. Sometimes a hot shower is all that is necessary to get the blood pumping. Walk away from the computer, go for a run, have a snack, drink a bottle of Mexican tequila. All of these things work to relax the mind and get the creative juices flowing.
Alternatively, wait until the very last second and type as fast as possible while ignore grammar punctuation incorrect capitalization of letTErS and speling mistakes. Explain to your editor that you are exploring new forms of expression. Use the phrase "à la Faulkner." It makes everything sound better, à la Faulkner. Refer to your columns as "pieces" and sit with your legs crossed at the knees. It will make you look more distinguished and literary.
Stare blankly if your editor suggests a rewrite.
Meghan McHugh of Rye, New York writes, "A-J, if you keep making up phony quotes about me in your columns, I'm going to break up with you. I'm serious, it has to stop."
I chose this letter because Ms. McHugh brings up the question of journalistic integrity. The University is built upon a foundation of trust. To break that code is to violate the tradition of honor that make Mr. Jefferson's University more unique, special, different and important than any other place in the world, the galaxy and possibly the universe.
However, University archeological excavators have discovered papyrus scrolls on which Mr. Jefferson himself says that upon occasion making things up is actually acceptable!
Readers should keep this finding in mind when reading my columns. Repeating the sentence, "Making up things is okay!" is a great way to ignore the flagrant lies (or at least, half-truths) in my pieces.
Carl Nunderwolf of Macon, Georgia wonders, "How did you get into U.Va. at all, let alone write for the Cavalier Daily? I'm surprised, shocked, appalled and slightly miffed to see such a writer allowed to print his words in the newspaper of the country's most prestigious public university."
For anyone who is interested in writing for the Cavalier Daily, Mr. Nunderwolf's flattering question is of great import. At the beginning of every semester, the various sections of the paper solicit new columnists and feature writers. After an intense series of physical, mental and spiritual tests, the hundreds of applicants are narrowed down to ten.
The current Cavalier Daily staff then subjects the finalists to a round of ritual beatings, tooth pulling and hair singeing. The process culminates in a test of will as the surviving finalists are asked to walk on a bed of hot coals.
Of course, this process is new. When I was applying, all I had to do was submit two columns or something.
All I remember is the editor at the time sighing and saying, "God, whatever. I guess you'll have to do."
It was a very exciting time for me.
I look back with nostalgia, humility and wondrous awe on the last year and a half of my career at the Cavalier Daily. This is the last stretch of my second year at the University. It is hard to believe that I have waited until the last minute to write 21 columns already.
As the weather gets warmer and classes start to matter less and less, I thank my seven or eight loyal readers for their constant supply of warmth, encouragement and violent criticism. It has been a privilege to serve the University community as a writer on alternating weeks for 42 weeks. I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would see my column turn 21.
I thought for sure they would have fired me by now.
There are plenty of motivated and talented writers at the University who could write for the Cavalier Daily. I hear that, in addition, there are super-intelligent chimps that are being trained to write special-interest columns for newspapers around the country.
In this age of hyper-smart primates, post-postmodernism, globalization and iPods, I hope that my voice still rings honest and true every other Tuesday.
Here's to 21 more.
A-J can be reached at aronstein@cavalierdaily.com.
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