Iwas one of those sad children in the cafeteria who had a whole-wheat bread peanut butter sandwich (crusts on!), an apple, carrot sticks and 100% Minute Maid apple juice for lunch. Never was I allowed chocolate milk or Wonderbread.
This has resulted in an extreme attention to potato chips stemming from childhood jealousy. The occasional chip truly excited me, and I began to develop a deep appreciation for them. Since my first encounter with them, though, I have noticed some flaws.
The original sin of potato chip manufacturers has not to do with the chip itself, but with the packaging. There is nothing more disappointing than popping open a bag of potato chips and finding there are only about 10 in there. All that air puffing up the bag is such a tease. No need to waste that silver-lined plastic stuff -- make the bags smaller. I'll eat more bags; just stop breaking my heart with the hope that one day I'll open a full bag.
A dead giveaway that you've been eating potato chips will be the grease left on your fingers. Or if you're like me, the grease will be visible on the sides of your jeans. Some people see this as a problem (not me, bring on the lipids!).
Baked chips seemed to have alleviated this problem; however, as anyone will tell you, baked chips just aren't as good. It's like Diet Coke. It may be healthier, but everyone knows it's no contest in the taste department. (Diet Coke drinkers: You're all brainwashed, so stop lying to yourselves that it tastes "good.")
A sometimes irritating issue is the sound of potato chips. I love a good crunch when I'm hungry and on a picnic or something, but when I'm starved in class and the guy next to me is munching away, I want to throw his chips down the aisle. Chips are a loud food like celery or pop rocks. (Debatable issue: Pop rocks are only loud to the person whose mouth they are in...)
More specifically, certain chips are at fault because of their shape. The large triangular shape of Doritos and Tostitos creates problems with the sides of your mouth. These chips are too big to fit in without stretching your mouth wide, at which point the seasoning gets in the cracks at the sides of your mouth and starts to burn by the end of the bag. So you have to take more than one bite, causing a big, crumbly chip-graveyard around your eating area as a result.
Pringles created the "molds-to-the-shape-of-your-tongue" chip with abounding success. Still, these chips are also too big. You are forced to take more than one bite, and, as the most brittle chip, Pringles crack and crumble, causing you to lose almost half of the chip. This is why I think Pringles actually fills the entire can -- unlike the bagged chips -- because they are aware they are depriving you of chips. If only they could make them 33 percent smaller, I'd be so happy.
Tostitos Scoops seemed like a winning chip, solving the whole "How does the salsa stay on the chip" dilemma, but alas -- no. The all-around scallop of the edges leaves you no real place to grasp the chip. Instead, you wind up kind of floating it in the salsa/Rotel/French Onion dip and then plucking it out right before it sinks. Or you try to ladle the dip out with the chip, which really ends up just getting the dip on your fingers. Someone needs to come up with a chip that has a handle; it's a goldmine of a market, I tell you.
Lastly, with the new "rolled-up" chips and other variations on the original types, there is a huge flavor difference. You cannot convince me a rolled-up chip tastes like the original flat one. No, no way. The surface area of the original retains the seasoning, and the rolled-up chip has significantly less surface area. You lose so much flavor, it's a travesty to all Chipkind.
I do have a favorite chip: Cheetos. The multi-shaped Cheetos in each bag allow for Chester-like rapid-fire crunching or small popcorn-sized bites. The orange powder left on your fingers not only provides a full five minutes of finger-licking enjoyment post-finishing, but the hours of coloration that stay on your fingers are a tribute to the gloriousness of the chip. True, Cheetos may not be considered "real" chips, but they don't judge you, so don't judge them.
And that's a column on potato chips, folks. It can be done!
Lindsay can be reached at McCook@cavalierdaily.com.
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