SPRING: Hey, Winter, it's almost April, now get the hell out of here and let a real man take over.
WINTER: You trippin', Spring? You know you're the shortest season since, ever.
SPRING: We're all the same length, idiot. You just seem longer cuz nobody likes you. Oh, and tell your mother I said hello.
WINTER: Mother Nature?
SPRING: What? Look, whatever, the U.Va. kids have made their decision. They're tired of the cold and dreary. They want to roam free again! They want to frolic in the warm breezes. They want to pretend that Ultimate Frisbee is a legitimate form of exercise. They want to streak the Lawn without the embarrassment of shrinkage, which causes certain male organs to retire to their "winter quarters." They want Spring, baby! So, come on, step aside and let's not have things get physical.
WINTER: Hell no, check it. Me: Christmas, hot chocolate, and Winter Break. You: ragweed, taxes, and final exams. You're an impostor, Spring. The kids are just using you to get to Summer, and you know it.
SPRING: Alright, that's it, time for some climate control. Here I come, you piece of sh--
FALL: Heeeey, guys, what's up?
SPRING: This doesn't concern you, Fall. Why don't you just, uh, LEAVE us alone?
[Winter high fives Spring, reluctantly.]
WINTER: Yeah seriously, Fall, just go home. Scram. You too, Autumn.
AUTUMN: Aww.
[Autumn and Fall exchange glances, contemplate their mutual existence momentarily, and depart.]
SPRING: Geez. Can you believe that? I never did like Fall. Or Autumn. No wonder people call them "the Gooch/Dillard of seasons." Hey, you know something, Winter, we're not so different, you and me.
WINTER: Um, what the hell are you talking about? We're two distinct calendar seasons characterized by completely different atmospheric conditions and unique weather patterns.
SPRING: I meant emotionally, stupid. It's like, I've been thinking a lot lately. You know, about getting out of the game, settling down, maybe starting a family.
WINTER: What family? We're seasons. We aren't even animate objects. How could we marry and procreate?
SPRING: I'm just saying, maybe it's time we put this old rivalry behind us. I mean, we've had some good times together, right?
WINTER: Yeah, that's true. Haha, 'member that time you pushed El Niño off the fire escape?
SPRING: AHAHAHA, yeah, that was priceless. Hey, whatever happened to that guy, I haven't seen him in forever. He was okay after that fire escape stunt, right?
WINTER: Hmm...
SPRING: Hey Winter, do you ever get the feeling that we're getting too old for this, with the same cycles, every year?
WINTER: Yeah, I know what you mean. I feel older every day. And I haven't been able to get it up since the eighties.
SPRING: Dude, that's gross.
WINTER: What? I'm talking about my barometric pressure! But seriously now, maybe getting older isn't such a bad thing. Like, maybe we're just becoming seasoned veterans, know what I mean?
SPRING: Haha, Winter, you crack me up! You always bring a hundred percent chance of hilarious!
WINTER: Sleet sleet sleet sleet sleet!
SPRING: Yeah! Sleet sleet sleet!
WINTER: In all honesty, I have thought about retiring. I have other interests, too, you know. For example, I've always wanted to put out an R&B album. I'd call it "Body and Solstice: Songs of Wintry Passion." What do you think?
SPRING: Yeeaah... That's, um, not bad.
WINTER: Then again, we do have a professional duty to the students. What would U.Va. do without seasons? I mean, when a student is having trouble in school, where does he go?
SPRING: Um, O'Neill's?
WINTER: After that.
SPRING: Oh, of course, he goes outside for a mind-enhancing walk in nature.
WINTER: Exactly. And who makes sure it thunderstorms during men's basketball games so that students don't feel so obligated to go?
SPRING: By golly, we do! But, what exactly are you saying, Winter?
WINTER: Um... well... actually, I sort of lost my train of thought. Eh, whatever. I'm cooking up something way better here. Ready? Listen. What if it were to actually rain cats and dogs?
SPRING: Oh Winter, you sick cookie. Let's do it!
Dan may be reached at dcd3z@virginia.edu.
Read More
It’s okay not to be okay
By Mai Hukuoka | 2 days agoWhether talking to a friend, a loved one or a professional, it is so necessary, and human, to need more than you can provide for yourself.
Taking a break at Tangerines Kitchen
By Charley Thomas | 4 days agoWhat the restaurant somewhat lacks in ambiance, it compensates for in tasty dishes and prompt service.
Virginia Policy Lab — a hub for student-led policy action
By Katherine Haden | December 9, 2024Students propose their own projects and collaborate with other members to research their issues of interest, brainstorm solutions and write policy proposals.
