I like cinnamon rolls. That's why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. 'Cause I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick and have my roommates wake up with false hopes.
I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said "Please Try Again" because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong, or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. "C'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top."
I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut -- I'll just give you money and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario in which I would need to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend... don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's back home in the file... under "D," for doughnut.
I don't have a girlfriend. I just know this lady who'd be really mad if she heard me say that.
I hope the next time I move I get a really easy phone number. Something like, 222-2222. I would say, "Sweet." People would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I would say, "Press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough."
I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got good at it. I never got a hole-in-one, but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore." But I was too busy mumbling, "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him."
I'm at a hotel room and my friend comes over and he says, "Can I use the phone?" I replied, "Certainly." He asked, "Do I need to dial nine?" I said, "Yeah, especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back-to-back real quick."
I have a friend who is a juggler. When I go to his house, I don't like to take food from him if it is in threes. "He has three apples left... I guess I can't have one."
I haven't slept for 10 days, because that would be too long.
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an escalator "Temporarily Out of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs... Sorry for the Convenience. ..."
I used to play in a death metal band. They either loved us or they hated us... or they thought we were "okay." Most death metal bands have dark names like "Obituary"... "Mortuary"... "Rigor Mortis." We weren't that intense. We were just "Injured." And later we changed it to "A Capella" as we were walkin' out of the Pawn Shop.
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.
Whenever I walk, people try to hand me flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kinda like they're saying, "Here -- you throw this away."
Note from Eric: I tried writing my own column this week, but I realized everything I wrote was a weak imitation of Mitch Hedberg, who died Wednesday. These jokes were all of Hedberg's finest, courtesy of Wikipedia. This column turned far sadder than it was supposed to be.
Last Wednesday morning I bought a doughnut at a gas station, got a receipt and thought of Mitch Hedberg.
Read More
Holding onto every grain in the hourglass
By Mai Hukuoka | 7 hours agoNow that I’m back at school, I have made it my mission to take note of the sneaky passage of time.
Students brave the cold for a whirlwind sorority rush
By Mia Tan | 2 days agoStudents recount a mix of emotions from rush, with some disappointed after dropping from the recruitment process and others ecstatic to join Greek life.
Top 10 ways to avoid burnout this semester
By Sam Saks | 3 days agoAs you settle into this semester, try implementing these 10 tactics to take care of yourself and wave goodbye to burnout.
