After a number of honor charges since my last column, I purchased my acquittal and have been busy in the workshop. Well, actually, that's a lie; no one really read my first column and I don't have a workshop... yet. Back to the point: I took a cue from my personal heroes Jon Stewart and Steve Colbert, and have assembled a number of important world news updates for your convenience (which were first assembled by Google news).
In addition, you will find invaluable analysis of international affairs based on these selected items. Allow me to put it another way. If you're in PLIR 101, stop studying, stop going to class, stop brushing your teeth and read this column. I know this gig better than Bo knows sports. If you get that reference, send me an email -- you're on my A-list. But enough side story, it's time for the news.
U.Va. truancy officials have reported that a record number of PLIR 101 students are going to class, studying and brushing their teeth. In a related story, Bo Jackson no longer knows anything about sports. Sigh.
Friday Congressman Virgil Goode graced U.Va. with his presence, and in a speech titled "Israel, Palestine, and the U.S.," said absolutely dick about any of the three. To all of you out there who voted for him, I'm so sorry that you were dumb enough to be duped. In a shining example of representative idiocy, the man didn't answer a single question, but sometimes he answered questions with more questions (usually to impolitely interrupt someone with a really important question, which was cute). Here's an example of such a question I asked, hoping that he may know something about a different topic:
Me: "Congressman Goode, what's your stance on the Darfur Accountability Act?"
Congressman Idiot: "Ah, that was the one that passed with an overwhelming majority, wasn't it? Very few people were against it."
In case you didn't catch the jackassery, let me paraphrase it for you.
Me: "Hey moron, what's your stance on [blank]?"
Congressman Douchebag: "Ah, lots of people like [blank]. Lots of people like lots of things. Can you believe that I represent the pinnacle of representative democracy?"
This kind of crap makes tyrannical dictatorships look kind of appealing. At least Kim Jong "Ill" will answer a damn question. Especially if you ask him about his Daffy Duck collection. I bet Goode doesn't even own the first season of Duck Tales (a-woo-ooooh!).
In recent technology news, Apple quietly updated its iPod line with a new iPod mini and iPod photo. This was reportedly to allow a smoother gradation of iPod prices across the line -- there is now only a $50 dollar gap between almost all the iPod models, and the iPod photo took a drastic price cut. Market analysts warn that despite these price improvements, 60 percent of the people buying an iPod will still have no f&*#ing clue how to use it, and will have to come to me while I'm doing something important to have it explained to them. Thanks a lot, Apple.
In other tech news, I found this headline on Google: "AMD Breaks Technical Ground But Still Can't Penetrate Dell." I don't think any more explanation is necessary, but I feel you, AMD. I feel you.
Reuters reports that Kyrgyz ex-President Akayev has agreed to step down amidst riots and political upheaval in Kyrgyzstan. Analysts are expecting a number of major changes to take place in Kyrgyzstan resulting from this huge political shift. Most importantly, new President Gkztrsytznrglsl will be the final stake in the heart of English vowels' livelihood in Kygryzstan. Insensitive, maybe, but you know it's true.
In world health news, 140 cases of the deadly Marburg virus have been reported in Angola. Top health officials say these cases could cause a major health crisis if left unchecked. These top health officials obviously have not experienced the Charlottesville Beirut flu, which has the potential to decimate college populations everywhere. Luckily, we here in Charlottesville have been blessed to have Student Health on our side -- nothing beats the flu like going there, waiting an hour to get x-rays (for the flu), getting a cotton swab instead of medicine and being billed five times for it.
That's all the truly important news this week, but if you want more, try to decode the secret message I sneaked into the column. Here's a hint: take every sixth letter and mix them up. It won't make any sense, but if you repeat it enough times you'll realize there isn't a hidden message. Until next time, I'm off to go polish up on my journalistic integrity. Let me know if anybody wants to watch some Duck Tales.
Josh's column is published bi-weekly on Mondays. He can be reached at cincinnati@cavalierdaily.com.
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