Fact of the day: Why wasn't the pope's printer working? Answer: Because he had a papal jam.
Yes, that is a fact.
Correction notice:
Dear Mr. Joseph Guyton,
Thank you for pointing out an egregious error in my last column. Indeed, I wrote that famous character actor Don Knotts "got to stare at Suzanne Somers' moneymakers for eight years on the set of 'Three's Company.'" In fact, as you pointed out so astutely, Suzanne "Chrissy" Somers was fired in 1981 after four seasons, while Don "Mr. Furley" Knotts didn't arrive until the 1979 season. I have submitted a formal apology to Ms. Somers' moneymakers, assuring them that I meant no harm. Way to be heads-up, Joe!
I'm not a fan of the kids who approach professors after lecture classes. But I've discovered a much riskier and exciting way to have fun with the men and women who educate us.
Step 1: Wait until all the snotty kids have disassembled and the professor is just about to leave.
Step 2: Follow the professor to his/her car.
Step 3: Stand anxiously beside the passenger-side door while the professor is unlocking the vehicle.
Step 4: When the first bit of awkward eye contact has been achieved, say to the professor, "Hey! Great lecture today! You mind if I hop in?"
Step 5: When the professor says, "Who are you? I'm trying to go home," you answer, "I'm in your class, silly. So, can I get a ride?"
Step 6: The professor will say, "Um ... well ... where are you headed?" You respond, "You tell me, Prof," and wink suggestively.
(Note: Don't actually do any of this.)
Duke Ellington's wife filed for divorce this week after discovering a copy of his autobiography, titled "Music is My Mistress." Her claim cites "irreconcilable differences and metaphorical adultery." Duke denied her accusations, saying, "It don't mean a thing if I ain't had that fling." Music is such a skank. In a related story, DUKE ELLINGTON IS ALIVE??!!
Excerpt from Genghis Khan's Weekly Planner:
Monday: Pillage
Tuesday: Pillage
Wednesday: Sunrise-noon: pillage; noon-sunset: pillage
Thursday: Pillage(?)
Friday: Pillage; buy Ashlee Simpson CD
Saturday: Whatever the rest of the Mongols want to do ... as long as it's pillage
Sunday: I'm thinking pillage; oh, and kill that one Mongol guy who wrote "buy Ashlee Simpson CD" in my weekly planner. Freaking barbarian.
I want a human steed that I can ride around Grounds. You heard me: It's long been my dream to show up outside Cabell Hall sitting atop some straight-backed person on all fours and then tying him to the bicycle rack. I wouldn't make him whinny or anything degrading like that. And I would frequently take him to the pond across from the parking garage for replenishment.
I hope GPS doesn't get too advanced. I would hate to be driving along 20 years from now listening to some electronic voice saying, "Alright, turn left after you pass your ex-wife's new boyfriend's apartment. ... Yep, now head straight past that group of protesters who don't really even know what they're yelling about. ... Hey dude, change the station, will you? This song sucks. And it's way overpl -- Oh man, did you see that chick in the yellow sundress?! Turn around, turn around! Hey, you hungry? Pull over here, I'm gonna grab a hot dog. Oh snap, it's the po-po! Speed up, I'm gonna moon 'em."
Britney Spears recently announced that she is pregnant. This is a rare example of a planned pregnancy within a legally recognized marriage that can still be classified under the "getting knocked up" category. Spears cannot wait until she gets to bust out the line, "Kick me baby, one more time!" The always competitive Christina Aguilera answered Spears' challenge by getting pregnant herself and then recording a duet with her fetus, entitled "Infant Gratification."
In these waning days of the semester, I think it's time to revisit the checklist I made at the start of school, highlighting the things I wanted to accomplish as a first year.
1) Get so drunk I pee someone else's pants ... check.
2) Figure out how to spend my last $0.73 of plus dollars ... check.
3) Figure out how to get rid of $0.73 worth of dried noodles (a.k.a. bulk-quantity hostage food) ... fail.
4) Realize why my idea for an "underwater submarine" was declined by Northrop Grumman ... check.
5) Be true to yourself at all times ... wow, I actually wrote that? I'm such a loser ... check.
6) Come up with a snappy zinger to close out this column ... fail.
Dan's column runs bi-weekly on Fridays. He can be reached at dooley@cavalierdaily.com.
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