If you find yourself losing the battle against your sagging eyelids as your professor's voice seems farther and farther away, perhaps it's time to turn to something more titillating. So I offer you an assortment of recent events in U.Va., my life, and the world:
Glorified violence became even more glorious this Friday as the deliciously cool "Sin City" hit theaters everywhere. Comics fans rejoiced as the red states collectively gasped. In a related story, the Utah legislature passed a law banning all movies not beginning with "The Passion..."
A new generation of young men skeptically asked, "Pink shirts? Really?" as "Days on the Lawn" began at U.Va. I encountered one curious attendee on campus. Our conversation proceeded as follows:
Naïve young mind: So what do you guys do for fun around here?
Me: Oh man, don't get me started. I barely even remember last weekend I was so......so...absorbed in my books! You'd be amazed what joy you can glean from a weekend of study! Have you heard about our honor code?
Annual "Take Back The Night" began again Monday. Again, The Night protests in vain.
Despite CNN's best efforts, Terri Schiavo died last weekend. Congress now begins the search for something else to do. After checking off "Baseball" and "Do Lord's Work," Congress continues to move down their list of "things we shouldn't really be involved in but think are kind of interesting." The world of professional basket-weaving fears it may be their next target.
Over the weekend, Hulk Hogan was inducted into the wrestling hall of fame by Sylvester Stallone, or, more appropriately, by Sylvester Stallone's interpreter.
Friday Britney Spears released a letter criticizing tabloids and asking them to stop printing false stories about her. The National Enquirer responded by publishing a letter from The Goatman of the San Andreas mountains asking Britney to "stop making music."
It was recently brought to my attention that someone is impersonating me. A fellow facebooker alerted me that someone using my name has been sending her a number of "inappropriate e-mails." On the one hand, I'm sort of honored. On the other, I wonder what point a man has to get to in his life when he decides he'll pretend to be me.
Monday the lacrosse team defeated Maryland, holding them scoreless in the first half.This marks the 137th victory for Coach Starsia, tying the U.Va. record. Hearing this, Maryland president Dan Mote Jr. maintained that U.Va. is overrated, pointing out that Maryland's Coach Friedgen holds an unmatched record at a local buffet.
In bathroom-related news, the religious battle above the urinal in the Pav rages on. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, go check out Pav XI's men's room now. Head to the urinal on the far right. Girls, don't be shy -- we don't mind if you're in there. Frankly, some of us prefer it.
Defying statistical probability, I encountered one of the six people who read my column last week at a party. For the first time my "I'm from Phoenix" story offered me no protection from a barrage of questions about Utah and religion.
One of the most unpredictable NCAA basketball tournaments in recent memory ended Monday with UNC's victory over Illinois. Said Illinois coach Weber, "Well, we underestimated them. I mean, they only beat Gillen's team by 34! How good could they be?"
Monday one of Michael Jackson's former housekeepers testified that he had seen the pop star deliberately intoxicate young visitors in his wine cellar. By way of defense Jackson said, "Well, they never would have had sex with me sober! What? What'd I say?"
Finally, local columnist Dan Strong landed another blow to journalistic integrity as he shamelessly ripped off a popular VH1 program's format in Thursday's Cav Daily.
Now, back to your professor.
Dan can be reached at danstrong@cavalierdaily.com.
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