The other week, one of my roommates and I had a fantastically Zoolanderesque exchange over a trip to the Treehouse.
"You are coming to the Treehouse."
"That is not true!"
"Yes it is, Eric!"
"Okay."
Throw in some mindless nodding on my part and bam, "Zoolander." After we had a good chuckle, I got to thinking about my favorite "quotables": those movies or TV shows that you can't help but recite line-for-line like a complete idiot. Here are the best, in no particular order.
The Simpsons
Any person who questions this show as the greatest source of quotable material is a moron, end of story. From sixth through ninth grade approximately 98 percent of everything I said came straight from "The Simpsons." In related news, I had no friends in middle school.
Favorite quotes:
"If you don't like your job, you don't quit, you just go in every day and do it really half-assed -- that's the American way!"
"Just once, I want somebody to call me sir without adding 'You're making a scene.'"
Anchorman/Anything with Will Ferrell
From SNL to "Old School," it's hard to argue with quotes from this guy. Most recently, "Anchorman" has allowed me to replace creative thought with mindless recitation. Sweet!
Favorite quotes:
"I will not eat the cat poop!"
"You wouldn't know true beauty if it were in the parking lot waiting to give you hepatitis, which it will be in 10 minutes."
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
These pasty Brits set the gold standard for irreverent humor. If you have not seen this film, just leave whatever lecture you're in -- you're obviously not paying attention anyway -- and go rent it. You'll thank me.
Favorite quote: "But I'm not dead yet!"
Family Guy
If you're ever in the mood to be politically incorrect, which should be often, look no further than this gem of a show. After failing on FOX due to poor scheduling, Family Guy flourished on the DVD market, which means you can brush up on quotes whenever you want!
Favorite quote (and great game):
"Want to play a game?"
"Well, what's it called?"
"Drink a beer."
"Well, what do you win?"
"Another beer!"
Zoolander
This film was a staple of my first year and is a great source for one-liners. Although many of the quotes lend themselves to terrible impressions and the film gets Wham stuck in your head for a week, it's still great.
Favorite quote: "If you'll excuse me, I have an after-funeral party to attend."
So I Married an Axe Murderer
Before Mike Meyers decided to make a billion dollars with "Shrek," he starred in this low-budget comedy. I'm pretty sure my brothers and I are the only people who can actually sit down and throw around quotes from this movie, but that's fine with us.
Favorite quote: "It's my juice tiger, I juice everything!"
That's it for the list, and now it's time for the disclaimer.
I know that I have left out many worthy films and quotes. I apologize for that and feel free let me know what I missed.
But there's one glaring omission that I don't want to hear about: "Napoleon Dynamite." The reason for this is simple -- that movie sucks. Sorry to all you fans, but nobody can do a decent impression of any of the characters, and what they have to say isn't funny to begin with. At best, the line "this one got into an onion patch" is good for a chuckle. I beg of you, and you know who you are, stop quoting Napoleon.
Before I wrap things up, I need to give a shout-out to my favorite grade school movie, "The Sandlot." "You play ball like a girl!" shall forever be the greatest insult in film history. It's been fun, and in the words of Ralph Wiggum, "smell you later, smell you later forever" ... or at least until next year.
Eric's column runs biweekly on Tuesdays. He can be reached at ast@cavalierdaily.com.
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