The downside to having a column is that every single person you know wants to help you write it. The upside to this is getting that help on days when you simply can't think of anything to write about. So, today, to honor all my friends who have said in the past, "Ohh! Lindsay, write about this!" I'm going to address all their concerns.
To the couple that continually plays tonsil hockey at the AFC: STOP IT, YOU ARE NOT IN MIDDLE SCHOOL. Making out at the gym is not acceptable. At all. Especially not when I'm about to fall off the elliptical because I'm so disgusted by you. Find a handicapped bathroom if you can't control your hormones, but please move yourselves off the bench press.
To the guys on the Lawn playing with frisbees: I love your enthusiasm for the outdoors, but you terrorize people as we're walking down from the Rotunda to class. Your buddy down there in the double-popped pastel polos isn't going to catch that 50-yard throw, and it somehow always manages to come dangerously close to our heads. Settle down with the frisbees for the safety of your fellow students.
To the guy in the double-popped pastel polos: I'm not hating on your shirts. I love polos. In fact, I think you look dashing in lime green and pale yellow. You're just an easy target. And so are your Croakies.
To the professors who thought it would be an awesome idea to make everything due the week after Foxfields: Don't you realize that our brains are suspended in a pony keg's worth of beer after that event? I suggest an all-professor conference at the beginning of each semester to plan so that we students only have to complete Toolkit evaluations the last two weeks of school; not every paper for every class the week of May 1.
To the tablers: We cannot possibly spend all our money on every organization and its concerts/philanthropies every weekend -- if we did, we would have no money for food. I feel bad paying attention to the Free Tibet table while ignoring the Save the Starving Children in Guatemala table, so if you would all leave, I feel like that would be a good solution.
To the people who somehow have mistaken vibrate mode for silent mode with their cell phones: We all know it's your phone ringing in the middle of class. Vibrations are still obvious, especially when it's sitting on the desk and you suddenly jump in surprise when it starts buzzing.
To the ladies of U.Va.: Give up on self-tanning. Not only can you be smelled from 10 feet away, but your sudden orange hue gives away the fact you were not spending a leisurely Sunday in the sun, but were, in fact, spending it in the Mystic tan booth.
To the U.Va. facilities management services: If we the students look at WeatherBug and it tells us that it's going to be 80 degrees outside by noon, we're going to dress appropriately. It is not fair that we are subjected to classrooms with below freezing temperatures once inside. Somebody make Casteen live a day with this dilemma. I feel like all the buildings would have more adequately regulated central air systems by the next week.
To those people who come drunk to discussions and Friday classes: I support your habit, but please, if you can't form sentences and are slurring your words beyond control, sit in the back and eat your Littlejohn's. Leave the participation for the people who have coherent thoughts to express. Thank you, though, for brightening what would've been a very boring sociology discussion.
To the humongous bees that are mating all over grounds: The fact that you are copulating in the air above my head grosses me out only ever-so-slightly more than the face-scoopers at the AFC. In your passion, your flight patterns get out of control and you frequently fly into people's heads. You are too large to be flying around haphazardly.
To the U.Va. student body: It's the middle of April, I've given up on all things that don't involve the sun and me being as lazy as physically possible. I know you have, too. You can understand then that resorting to my friends' advice follows from this spring-inspired attitude and at least makes for an interesting, if not ADHD, column. Enjoy the weather, have some fun, and I'll see you in the fall.
Lindsay's column runs biweekly on Thursdays. She can be reached at mccook@cavalierdaily.com.
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