I offend people. Sometimes I intend it, other times I don't, but either way lots of people are offended by my existence. It reached a boiling point last week, when I actually had a meeting with a dean to talk about one of my many off-putting actions.
I'm not going to go into details, but let's put it this way: Be careful what you put in a column and, for the love of common sense, don't randomly accept every single facebook group invitation that finds its way to your mailbox. "I like SM" apparently doesn't mean that I like Super Mario (which sucks, because I do).
All this offensiveness got me realizing that I'm not the only one who offends. There are lots of other things that offend me too, dammit. So in a break with the long-standing, one-column tradition, I'm going to catalog exactly what those things are. If you fit the category, get off my plane.
Anyone who quotes Harrison Ford's crappier movies needs to stop. This includes, but is not limited to, that stupid movie with Josh Hartnett about some pathetic old cop-new cop bonding and Air Force One. Keen readers will notice that I offend myself.
Anybody that doesn't agree with my previous column's news item about Virgil Goode being a douchebag should man the hell up. A friend of mine informed me that someone in her class was appalled by my complete "lack of respect" for our leaders. If I met this kid, here's how the conversation would go:
Student Idiot: "I can't believe you called our congressman a douchebag. We need to support our leaders, not point out their faults."
Me: "Oh yeah, well met. It's not like the fundamental precept of a democratic republic is to evaluate and judge our leaders and to criticize them when they aren't doing a good job. I hope we do away with voting altogether, just so Goode can stay in office indefinitely."
Student Douchebag: "Good, I hate democracy."
Un-American bastard.
Anyone who claims to hold a "free and open" student forum on a sensitive topic should stay true to "free and open." Too often do I attend these things and feel downright scared to present even a slightly different opinion from the organizers. Would the United Nations work if one country crafted the policy and allowed for no dissenting opinion? No, of course it doesn't.
Those two stupid girls who always walk in front of me after math on Thursday and seem to block the whole Bryan path. Seriously, stop it -- I couldn't walk any slower if I was a one-legged infant.
Anybody who ends a joke with "swoosh," "zing" and/or "count it." If you have to qualify your humor with any of the above, you are undoubtedly an asshole, Jon (zing!).
Speaking of humor, people who spell "humour," "colour,""cheque," "licence," and assorted other words the British way. We got rid of those bloody Tories for a reason. Not that I wouldn't mind quartering that cute British girl. You know who you are ... but I swear to God if you don't speed up on Thursdays I will "drope" a "tonne" of "smouldering" "aluminium" on your "mum."
Hondas with spoilers, new wheels, decals and any number of crappy add-ons need to be wrecked. I'm glad you have a "Hondaspeed" decal on your rearview and a new exhaust to give that Inline-4 the extra oomph it needed, but you look tackier than the dollar store's fake dog poop. And underneath all that shiny crap, it's still a reliable, sturdy, economical, utterly nondescript Honda. Stop the charade and drive it like it's meant to be driven: without a massive inferiority complex.
I hate to end on so many sour notes, so just to show you that I'm not angry all the time, you should know that there are lots of things that make me happy. Puppies and flowers usually do the trick. If you have any of them, preferably alive, send some over. I figure, just because you're offensive, offending and offended doesn't mean you can't enjoy the simple delights of miniature dogs racing through fields of lilies. If anyone else is interested in enjoying with me, you have to pay a cover and bets can be made with the usual bookie. Hell, if I'm going to be happy, I may as well make a profit out of it.
Josh's column runs bi-weekly on Mondays. He can be reached at cincinnati@cavalierdaily.com.
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