Gregory J. Scanlon
Commencement Address
University of Virginia
May 16, 2032
Thank you, President Sabato. Congratulations on the Nobel. (Applause)
And thank you, Class of 2032!
I am truly humbled that you've invited me here to speak today. And, frankly, a little surprised. I certainly didn't get to speak at my graduation. (Laughter)
Of course, I wasn't exactly qualified for anything like that back in those days. I wasn't on the Honor Committee, the Guide Service, or Student Council. I wasn't an IMP or a Z. I wasn't in the Jeff Society, I wasn't an Echols Scholar, and I definitely wasn't a Lawnie. (Laughter)
No, I was just a simple cartoonist. But I was a happy cartoonist! In my little box on page B7, I got to speak to 10,000 people every day, for three straight years. You couldn't miss it; I was right next to the crossword puzzle. (Laughter)
The first step in being a good cartoonist -- and I like to think I was a pretty decent one (Laughter) -- is being a good observer. You have to get out there, find what's funny and doodle it all down.
So while my classmates in all those organizations that I just mentioned ran around feeling important, I just sat back and observed them. And they gave me a whole lot of material. (Laughter)
Hopefully you've already realized this, but college is just practice. You're only on the second chapter of your autobiography, at best.
Frankly, at this point in your life, what you've done doesn't even matter; it's more about how you've done it. Have you stepped over others to get what you wanted, or have you relied on the help of your friends? Have you gone along with the crowd, or have you spoken your mind? Have you relied on lies and deceit, or have you been honest and faithful?
The fact is that many of you will go on to do great things. That's the nature of an institution like the University of Virginia. But as I used to say to my friend Chris -- I think you all know Chris Wilson (Applause) -- in general, you can divide students here into two categories: future yes men, and the people they'll be saying "yes" to. (Applause)
If you've played by your own rules during your time here -- gotten in some trouble, gained a few scars, caused a bit of mayhem -- you're in good company. In 1965, a cow was put on the Rotunda by a future president of the NASDAQ stock exchange. In 1969, a man who would go on to argue a successful Supreme Court case won the Student Council presidency as an Anarchist. In 2005, Curran Jhanjee tried the same thing -- didn't work then, but it sure did in 2024, eh? (Applause)
Senator Jhanjee sends his best wishes, by the way, he's busy campaigning in New Hampshire today. Reluctantly, of course. (Laughter)
If you've walked a narrow line of obedience in your time here, you've probably done quite well, and you'll no doubt continue to do well in the future. The world always needs "consultants."
But the true greats among you are wired a little differently. They're restless, innovative, and constantly questioning the well-trod path. I had the privilege of knowing a few such people during my time here, and I think you'd recognize most of their names. That's no accident.
Soma, Anthony Dick, Alexis Unkovic
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