President Bush recently became irate at White House chief political advisor Karl Rove for a major intelligence leak that has taken the media by storm. "I just can't believe he went and ruined the ending of 'Harry Potter' like that," Bush stated. "I don't even feel like having Cheney read me the rest of the story anymore. He's been getting leg cramps, anyway."
Sources indicate that not only did Rove spoil the ending of J.K. Rowling's latest book for the president, but he also manipulated the author and coerced her to rewrite her next and final installment under the working title, "Harry Potter and the Efficacy of Social Security Reform." Bush said he is disheartened by the whole situation, especially because Harry Potter is his "favoritest wizard of all time." He claimed that Harry Potter was the one who gave him the inspiration for an invisibility cloak, which the President has used liberally to avoid press conferences and scheduled naptimes.
Bush may have to eat his words, however: With heightened suspense and increasingly scary passages, the "Harry Potter" series easily could become the next target of the president's War on Terror. Moreover, at a gargantuan 652 pages, the most recent volume could potentially be designated as a Weapon of Mass Destruction (WMD).
The spectacular popularity of Rowling's novels does arouse a certain discomfort among conservatives. I for one have strong reservations about the new pattern in the overall reading habits of children, namely, that they are reading. This radical and disturbing transformation of the American youth can be attributed only to the vitality of the "Harry Potter" series. I know now why so many regions enforce a strict curfew policy for kids: It's to prevent those hoodlums from waiting in lines at bookstores until all hours of the night, all the while chit-chatting about some fairytale gobbledygook. What's next for these crazed young people? Eating their vegetables? Staying in school?? For shame, J. K. Rowling, for shame.
I don't want to spread rumors here, but I've even heard some people spew out talk of launching an intramural quidditch league at our very own U.Va. -- now that's just plain reckless (although the sport already has churned up more interest than was shown for the men's basketball team through the entirety of last season).
The teenage idol phenomenon surrounding the Harry Potter character also is seriously upsetting. Potter has reinvented his image as of late and is threatening to become an outright bad influence on his fans worldwide. At the end of the most recent book, he is 16 years old, which is just old enough to realize that the legal drinking age is ludicrous and arbitrary, especially given that he already has mastered the "tolerance maximus" spell. He also has attempted to earn "street cred" by wearing baggier wizard's robes and referring to long-time nemesis Voldemort as a "player-hater." In one scene, Harry accuses his best friend Ron Weasley of hitting on his "baby's momma [female friend Hermione Granger]."
Gang warfare has emerged startlingly as a major theme in the story. Further reading into "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" reveals that the prince is also half-Crypt and leads a troubled and violent life. To keep up, Potter has begun rapping under the alias "H. Pizzle" and has signed a deal with DumbledoREcords, Ltd. He also sacrifices his dignity by reading a series of so-called "Harry Potter" books, in which the title character evolves into a deviant who corrupts kids and convinces them to read his books as he reads about himself who is a bad person and rubs off on readers reading about him in his books that he reads.
Sorry about that. It's called filling space. Deal with it. If you plan on getting involved with any of J.K Rowling's latest works, you're going to have to.
Dan Dooley can be reached at Dooley@cavalierdaily.com
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