A word of advice: "Casual Friday" should not be mistaken for "Boxers and Flip Flops Friday." While I work as an intern at a relatively lax law firm in D.C., I never should have taken for granted the firm's "At least wear pants, for God's sake -- unless of course you're a partner, in which case feel free to go pantsless at any time, and if you want to wear just a bathrobe, that's cool too; we want you to feel maximum comfort as you bill hours and think about how hard you worked in law school" policy.
I really enjoy working at the firm, which I will call Free, Beverages & Candy, LLP for the sake of preserving its anonymity (law firms like to keep a low profile). I have a luxurious cubicle and my own private bathroom (all I had to do was write, "who are named Dan Dooley" underneath the preexisting "Men" sign and then tell all the lawyers that the bathroom was crawling with pro bono clients ... that keeps them away).
I even have a window that looks out over the glorious scenery of an alleyway. The eight minutes of sunlight that comes through each day is so refreshing. Through the window I can also look directly into a man's office in a neighboring building. This allows me to play my new favorite game, titled "Did that guy just look at me? I think he did. I'm gonna go over there and let him have it. I mean it this time. He can't just look at me like that. I know exactly how long he was looking, too, because I've been watching him all morning. What a punk."
Swankiness and pantslessness aside, working at FBC on a part-time basis has allowed me to maintain a peak level of mental atrophy (in fact, my brain's so toasted right now that I actually believe "pantslessness" is a word). And now that I have thefacebook.com saved as the homepage on my computer, it's just like being back at U.Va. (speaking of which, a lot of you people need to step it up: Most of you have barely edited your profiles since May).
Undoubtedly the best part of my job is getting to play on the company softball team with my brother-in-law and coworker, Chris "Malpractice makes perfect" Adams. Since I couldn't come up with a good lawyerly nickname for myself, I play as Dan "Only here because I've got a family connection" Dooley.
Despite my nickname, I have been an unstoppable force on the team in all of the games thus far. This may not be as impressive as it seems, given that the first rule of slow-pitch softball is "Don't try too hard." But still, I have played incredibly well for someone playing without a contract. And since we play in the open fields near the Mall and my position is right-center fielder, I have to contend with all sorts of obstacles, including Frisbee players and baby strollers, both of which I have discovered can be used to gain leverage while fielding a fly ball.
Let me not forget to mention the productive times at work. I am fairly confident my cubicle will one day be steeped in bronze and preserved in a museum as a tribute to all the earth-shattering ideas that were forged within it during the summer of 2005. The sign on the door to my room currently says "Staff Overflow." But I'm sure by the end of my term it will be changed to "Genius Overflow." Or at least "Pantslessness Overflow."
I will give you a small taste of the fruits of my labor, at least to demonstrate that I am indeed earning my keep. For it was in this unassuming cubicle that I had the following breakthrough: I should open a chain of stores that sells brooms, and our slogan could be "Dan's Brooms are sweeping the nation!" It's going to be a huge sensation. And I owe it all to me.
I'll be honest, I just thought of that now. But the fact remains that I'm a highly valued asset to the law firm. And what's more, I'm having so much fun, it should be illegal! In fact, it is illegal, under Article 16 of Title 53, Supreme Court ruling in the matter of Chuck E. Cheese v. Nebraska. Hey, I'm getting pretty good at this lawyer mumbo-jumbo. Maybe someday it will be Free, Beverages, Candy & Dooley, LLP.
Dan Dooley can be reached at dooley@cavalierdaily.com.
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