It's hard to be a single girl in the working world. Since I'm not 21, and therefore not eligible for the paradise that is Happy Hour, my options are strictly limited to the office. On one hand, there's "George" (names have been changed to protect their dignity and my job security), who believes the most romantic thing he can do to charm me is to install a global mapping program on my computer and look up my house ... while I am still in the room. On the other hand, there's "Peter," a man who likes the idea that I am exotic and foreign, despite my many reminders that I was born in Maryland. The following is an actual exchange between the two of us:
"Hello Miss Winnie. Do you like my haircut?"
"Yes, I do. It looks nice." At this point, I'm just being polite. Men with no hair cannot have haircuts. Keyword: hair.
"Do you know why I got it cut?"
"No. I have to go catch the shuttle now."
"I said to my barber, 'There is a pretty Chinese girl at work. I want to show her my haircut.'"
"Bye Peter." I still don't know where all this "hair" is being cut from.
"You are Chinese? Ha ha! I know this Chinese restaurant, very good. We should go. I will take you. You can speak and order me Chinese food."
"Peter, I don't like men."
Maybe the last line didn't actually come out of my mouth, but I considered saying it.
With two very promising relationship prospects, I could sympathize with all the women in the world who try online dating. Somewhere, there waits a charming, wealthy, attractive, ready-to-die-and-leave-me-his-money man named Ramen (because ideally, he'd pronounce it "Ra-mon" and he'd also own the patent to Ramen noodles) and all that stood between me and true love money was an account on match.com.
For the sake of investigative journalism and for my duty as a "journalist," I signed up to view these online personal ads. I am a "woman" in search of a "man" age "18" to "65." Washington, D.C.'s finest was only a mouse-click away. Within three seconds, I realized why the commercials claim that "Looks aren't everything. Match.com matches your personalities based on 1828939382 categories." Because 1828939381 categories might not be enough to even find some of these guys a Victoria's Secret catalog.
"I am looking for a girl who will stay home, drink, and watch football. Sometime who wont tell me I have to read." I'm truly moved. In retrospect, I shouldn't have put down my ideal date as being edgy, defined as barreling down the road at 95 mph and screaming obscenities at cars that get in your way. I figured if I chose the most extreme options, I'd be doing the ethical thing. No one wants to date a woman who thinks she's part vampire, part cat and 100 percent DRAGON (the profile is "topsecretspf" at match.com. Currenty, approval is pending). This way, no one will be led on and no hearts will be broken.
Match.com was entertaining for the five hours I spent perusing the ads, but an investigative journalist doing real undercover investigation never stops with one source. I tried to imagine myself in the role of a desperate, middle-aged woman. Where would I go to look for a man? How am I 5'5'' and wearing a size 52?
Surprisingly, there are a number of Web sites that offer and provide services for those interested in becoming "special friends" with the incarcerated. Prisoners have feelings, too.
I'm almost willing to bet my summer earnings that my journey into online dating will turn up a personal ad for George or Peter. "Single male looking for Chinese female for a night out in Chinatown. Must be Chinese. Samoans also accepted." If there's anything I've learned so far, it's that there are plenty of lonely people in the world, and many of them are creepy and lacking social skills. For those of us that have failed to earn our MRS degrees, there's HOPE. Hot Online Peer Engagements. Dot com.
Winnie Chao can be reached at Chao@cavalierdaily.com
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