As older and wiser fourth years writing a column about "relationships," we probably should be filling the first 125 lines allotted to us by The Cavalier Daily with profound advice. Advice that would be especially valuable to the truckloads of bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, book-laden and booze-seeking first years who recently joined our fine student body.
We were going to write such a column until we realized that it would be a very, very bad idea. Because first, we really have no clue what we're talking about half the time when it comes to relationships -- but who does really? And second, first year, or any year for that matter, is not about following anyone else's advice ... it's about making mistakes and your own rules.
No matter what advice you get and how good it is, we'll all make some big-time blunders this year. Some of us will attempt to write a 10-page paper in one night. Some of us will join the E-School (just kidding). Some of us will let it slip that yes, we did watch the Laguna Beach Marathon last night. Some of us will eat the beef dishes at Amigos. Some of us will pray to the porcelain god in between classes. Some of us will forget to look in the mirror the morning after a particularly rough night, only to learn later after we go to Bodo's that there is a drawn penis on our faces. But the mistakes that will no doubt cause a majority of all our tears, fears and anxieties will be mistakes made in the pursuit of lust, love and perhaps a relationship or two.
The thing about advice is that you can't begin to follow it until you've ignored it once, twice ... three times. Human curiosity and stubbornness make mistakes inevitable. If you tell someone the stove is hot, nine out of 10 times they'll still put their hand to it. We have an innate impulse to see for ourselves; an impulse that sends us hurtling past even the most obviously correct advice.
Let us paint a picture; a masterpiece of a mistake. One that many of us have made, will make or are in the midst of making -- despite the fact that we probably "know better." The mistake of seeing someone as who we want them to be rather than who they truly are.
Transposing your hopes and ideals onto another person is a motha' of a mistake, one that gives way to many more mini-mistakes along the way.
Enter John. John is a second year who wants a relationship. ... Yes, boys in college can want such things despite the abounding stereotypes regarding college men. John meets Taylor. Taylor wants to experience a second year of freedom, fun and flirtation. A free, fun and flirtatious individual is a great friend to have, wonderful to be around -- especially come Friday -- but not an ideal girlfriend candidate.
But a girlfriend is what John wants and so a girlfriend is what John sees in Taylor. A phone call -- "What are you doing tonight?" at 10 p.m. on Friday seems to John to be the first step toward the nightly check-in calls of a committed relationship. In reality, Taylor wants to know if John has heard of a party bigger than the one she was planning to attend. Taylor chats on IM with John for an hour. He imagines her with a solitary buddy box on screen -- she's clicking between 10.
Taylor is not a bad person, but she will be very bad for John, disappointing him at every turn. John has made the mistake of seeing only those parts of Taylor that coordinate with the image of a person he wishes her to match.
More mistakes will follow. John will ignore his friends when they tell him that Taylor repeatedly eschews the word "relationship." He will waste his time waiting for a call from her he knows will not come. He will be heartbroken when his perception is shattered once and for all as Taylor casually tells a tale of a spontaneous dance-floor kiss ... for the fifth time.
John will then realize with great dismay all the mistakes he has made, and all the good advice he has ignored. He will feel embarrassed, ashamed, regretful and the need for a good, stiff drink. He will want to get as far away from his mistakes as he can. To forget them and forbid any of his friends from reminding him.
This is what we all want to do when we make mistakes. But the truth is, to forget a mistake is just to make a bigger one. Because the stories of our own mistakes keep us out of trouble much better than any advice ever will. And the next time you find yourself feeling the need to give advice you know will never be followed ... share a mistake instead.
Megan and Meghan's column runs bi-weekly on Tuesdays. They may be reached at fanale@cavalierdaily.com and moran@cavalierdaily.com.
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