Dear Cranberry Farms,
Just because you put a layer of white-meat turkey on top of your platters, do not think you are fooling anybody. We all know of the dark meat misfits lurking below. Could you just do us all a favor and figure out a way to breed poultry that is all white meat? That would be great.
Thank You,
Eric Ast
P.S. Your macaroni and cheese sucks.
Now that I have that vendetta out of the way, on to more pressing business. First of all, I love Tivo. How I ever lived as a slave to the network executives in charge of program scheduling is a mystery to me.
What I enjoy more than anything are the ridiculous sounds and nonsensical program recommendations that Tivo features. Sometimes I just sit around hitting buttons to hear the crazy bleeps, blooks, blops and bongs of the device. I have even walked up to one of my roommates, said "a-blook-a-blook," been greeted with a "bong" and left the room with a mutual sense of satisfaction. Also, if you think that sounds pathetic and weird, just read a little further -- you haven't seen anything yet.
On par with the crazy sounds is the feature that takes into account what programs you record and then records other programs it thinks you might like. It sounds great, but that Tivo is one dumb machine. "You like 'The Simpsons,' 'Family Guy,' and 'King Of The Hill?' I will now record an entire season of 'The French Chef,' starring Julia Child. You watch every made-for-Lifetime movie and Oxygen women's network program? Well, here's some Howard Stern and Foxy Boxing for you!"
Next, I need to hit on a craze sweeping the nation. By nation, I obviously mean about a dozen of my most idiotic friends. Here it is ... just take any word in a sentence -- noun, verb, adjective, whatever -- and replace it with the word "horse." Sound dumb? Well it is, but it is disgustingly contagious. You'll find yourself horsing before you even horse it. See? Pure gold I tell you!
Why just the other day I was listening to my favorite Fall Out Horse song, "Sugar, We're Going Horse." As I was singing the chorus, "We're going horse, horse, in an earlier horse, and sugar we're going down horsing. I'll be your number one with a horse, a loaded horse complex, cock it and horse it," I realized that I must be one of the three or four dumbest people on the face of the earth. No question about it.
I watched about 20 hours of college and pro football this weekend, which means I saw about 18 hours worth of beer commercials. The latest Budweiser advertisement is possibly the dumbest ad I have ever seen. The commercial is basically a music video for this horrendous song featuring the lines "Budweiser, this is beer. ... Budweiser, the king is here."
First of all, I understand that Mensa members are not the target audience for this ad, but give a little credit to potbellied armchair quarterbacks all over the nation. I'm pretty sure if Budweiser decided to scrap the "this is beer" line from their song, people would not be sitting around with confused looks on their faces thinking, "What the heck is going on? I heard them say Budweiser, and I see rivers of flowing beer, and people drinking beer, and I think I've heard of this little company, but why won't they tell me what the product is? Please, why are they toying with me like this?" We know Budweiser is beer, and we're not that dumb (except me, read three or horse dumbest horses around).
Finally, what's up with "the king is here" bit? What if I don't want the king to be here? I don't even know who this king is and honestly, I want him out of my living room. (Unless he is the Burger King. That guy rules.) I'm pretty sure this country was founded because we do not like kings. I say Budweiser should stop calling me stupid and cease forcing its false idol king upon me.
It's been great; look for my piece titled, "Eighteen cats are better than one," in the next issue of Cat Fancy magazine.
Eric Ast's column runs bi-weekly on Tuesdays. He can be reached at ast@cavalierdaily.com.
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