Chuck E. Cheese is having a rough year. In March, a man was tasered by police over accusations of cutting in line at the salad bar. In June, two teenage girls got in a fight, and their parents did what any reasonable adult would: They turned it into an old-school knife fight. And finally, just this week, the Woroniecki family revealed that, thanks to part-time jobs at Chuck E. Cheese, the RV can complete its tour of college campuses where the damned will be saved.
Chuck E. Cheese is just one example of how companies that cater to entertaining children are corrupting America's youth. I've followed my dreamy idol Pat Robertson's lead in calling out these exploitive institutions:
Chuck E. Cheese,
My first experience with nudity occurred at one of your facilities. It was my sister's fifth birthday, and a little boy climbed on stage and mooned the crowd. You stood on stage with a glazed look on your face and didn't do a single thing. I hope you are glad Congress isn't investigating your use of illegal substances.
Sesame Street,
I find it hard to believe a middle-aged man spends so much time in a tub playing with his rubber "duck." I also find it hard to believe his roommate is always present and "just wants to talk." Please change the setting. Ernie can be churning butter, and Bert can be dipping a wax candle. Both are wholesome, American activities.
Jack Black,
Your character in "Shark Tale" describes himself as "different." He is a shark that eats no meat and wants to be a dolphin. The message the movie sends to children is that it is okay to be different and that Mommy and Daddy will love you no matter what. We both know that is a lie. In your Limited Edition DVD release, please include an alternate ending. Lenny should end up shoeless with no friends. That is what happens when children don't obey their parents.
PBS,
Why does Tinky-Winky carry a purse? Perhaps he is merely holding it while his mother shops for a dress for Sunday service. That is acceptable. Please introduce his mother and her dress on the show. However, notify wardrobe that the audience should not be able to see her ankles or her hands. If Tinky-Winky just has problems carrying his valuables, you should sew some pockets onto his outfit.
Disney,
Please give Winnie-the-Pooh some pants. And just what is this "honey pot" he always seems to be looking for? Also, please rename Christopher Robin. The following variations have been approved: Christopher Matthew, Christopher Daniel, Christopher Columbus.
Pixar,
Why are the main characters of your movies named "Buzz" and "Woody?" What kind of "toy" story are you trying to tell?
Barney,
I will tell you the same thing I told Tinky-Winky. No male wears purple. Or pink. Or "salmon."
Powerpuff Girls,
It is nice that you girls can have dreams as well. It is time to give up on saving the world and get back to saving that chocolate soufflé. Hang up those costumes and tie on those aprons. Dinner is served.
As of this publication, I have not gotten a response to any of my complaints. This kind of corruption wasn't a problem when I was a child. "Television" was the invention of the devil, and "books" were the invention of communists. Even the news has changed, from headlines like "Oxen Die While Fording River" to horoscopes like this one from The Washington Post: "AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 -- Feb. 18). Your situation is not dissimilar to the dilemma of the Oompa Loompa. You're handling all the work while some eccentric megalomaniac is getting all of the credit. What's left to do but a silly little dance?"
What happened to the good old values from the days before Chuck E. Cheese and PBS? Maybe, like P. Robby, I too can make a difference. From the backseat of a roaming RV, I'll bring back traditional values, one college campus at a time.
Winnie's column runs bi-weekly on Thursdays. She can be reached at winnie@cavalierdaily.com.
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