After going through an inordinate amount of reading this weekend, I have finally figured out what makes my assignments so utterly boring. No choice! Every 50 words or so, I hope for some kind of fork in the road, but the letters just continue their linear progression, invariably leading to a single, one dimensional ending.
Well, screw that.
It's time to choose your own adventure.
In a glorious act of defiance against traditional learning, I have carefully crafted this "choose your fate" column (that sounds mature, doesn't it?), taking cues from all sorts of different classes I was awake for this week. The instructions are simple. Read, make choices and control your destiny...of learning! One word of caution: Don't ever move the jade monkey. You'll see what I mean. Now, begin your adventure!
#1 You wake up in a haze and to the pungent smell of emptied alcohol bottles and Virginia baked ham. All the symptoms of a wicked hangover descend as your drowsiness lifts. If you go to the dining hall, go to #17! If you get a bowl of cereal, go to #31!
#17 While en route, you unknowingly get mixed up in a gunfight between Charlottesville Police and the Beta Bridge vandals (the ones that don't exist). But it's impossible to vandalize Beta Bridge, and you realize the gunfight was simply a figment of your imagination. Laughing, you continue on until you accidentally end up in a Sea of Orange vs. Tie and Shirt knife-fight à la "Just Beat It." You can't keep up with the choreography and die of shame.
#23 You didn't listen to me. The jade monkey comes to life, cries "Law of nature! You die now!" and attempts to punch you. The force of its punch was so incredibly underwhelming that you laugh. Realizing how wrong it is to kill, the monkey laughs too and both of you spend many years together locked in happiness -- not as mortal enemies but as friends. One sad day, Lil' Monkey (as you've come to know him) gets lost in the park, and you set out to find him. Go to #17.
#31 You look in your pantry, but instead of finding cereal, you find a dusty old game board oddly titled "JohnLockeManji." Curious, you open the board hoping to find Robin Williams or at least a young Kirsten Dunst, but only find two game pieces: a miniaturized archaic old English political philosopher and a jade monkey. If you pick up the jade monkey, go to #23. For mini-Locke, go to #57.
#42 You drink the beer. It's a fun game, and you go for another one. Your hangover slowly begins to fade away. You forget all those questions that plagued you before the hangover and just focus on the answer: 42 (props to Douglas Adams). Triumphant, you start singing the "Rocky" theme until your roommate nonchalantly wakes up, walks up to you while you're screaming "Adrian!" and punches you right in the face. Go to #1, and good luck getting out of this one.
#47 Still hung over, you get pissed off that instead of getting cereal you have to suffer the ruminations of some Ivory Tower 17th-century philosopher. You find a full Natty Light can from the night before and crush Lil' Locke. Satisfied but hung over, you look longingly at the beer can. If you pound it, go to #42. If you throw it out the window, go to #61.
#57 Lil' Locke (as you name him) comes to life and asks you the following question: "What is a legitimate authority, that of the absolute monarch or the consenting majority of the masses?" For either answer, go to #47.
#61 You didn't learn Newton's Laws last week, resulting in the beer can freezing in mid-air. The ramifications of this discovery are astounding, and you realize your floating beer could revolutionize modern transportation. You quickly leave your apartment to find an engineer, a physicist and a priest, hopefully not all at a bar (talk about a bad joke). You are walking on your merry way when ... go to #17.
#p If you managed to get out here, congratulations, you broke rules and convention. You win! Go ahead, celebrate! You know you want to. Just one beer, that's not so bad. Well, maybe another one -- the first one tasted pretty good, right? Oh, a martini? Sure, you'll have another one. Mmm, those are delicious. Wait ... where am I? Oh crap. Go to #1.
Josh can be reached at cincinnati@cavalierdaily.com.
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