For a kid who's just a hair over 5-feet-9-inches tall and was once described by a basketball coach as looking like "a stiff wind could knock him over," I woke up this morning decidedly fat and happy.
This is the point in the column when, if I were Conan O'Brien, I would make a joke comparing myself to Star Jones or Rueben Studdard. Alas, I can only wish to be Conan and have his red hair.
But the point remains -- I am fat and happy, and I have college football to blame. Or credit.
I wasn't always this way. No, no. I used to be parched and unfed. Starting around mid-July, I felt that familiar hunger for football. It hits me suddenly on a random hot day when I realize that salvation from the cafeteria food of summer sports -- endless Web Gems and gimmicky SportsCenter features -- is near. The deliciousness of football is merely weeks away.
So I lick my chops, diving deep into every preseason publication to see how spring practices and summer camps went. I study depth charts. My hunger builds. I look for breakout stars and worry about groin injuries. My stomach rumbles. This summer, heartburn hit when the curse of appearing on the cover of "Sports Illustrated" befell two of my favorites: Florida Gator Chris Leak and the Carolina Panthers. My mother would not have been proud of the Colin Farrell-esque heap of obscenities I unleashed on unknowing strangers when I saw the two covers. But I pressed on, determined to not let these preseason aches ruin my appetite before the season started.
And then this weekend came, and I gorged myself on all things football. I was ready with an Outback-sized steak knife and fork as a full five-day menu of college football was prepared for us by the football gods.
We started off Thursday night with a dazzling appetizer. The ESPN crew sent us to Columbia, S.C., with the return of the prodigal coach: Steve Spurrier. With a deep love of all things Florida Gators instilled in me by my grandparents and father, I couldn't help but cheer for the Ol' Ball Coach as he returned home to the SEC East. Even people who hate Steve Superior have to admit that college football can only get more interesting with him at the helm of the school with the most loyal fan base around. He makes the Cocks relevant again. Best of all, it took Spurrier only five plays to show that maybe he's still got it, sending the ball deep for a 49-yard touchdown pass en route to a 24-19 win over Central Florida.
Friday whet our appetite even more. The Arizona-Utah contest was the soup course -- I couldn't care less about it, but for some reason, I indulged.
But it was all just a warm-up for the main course, the 32-oz. Porterhouse of college football: Game Day. With intense punctuality, my room was filled by 9:30 a.m. with some college football-faithful friends to watch ESPN's "College GameDay," hanging on every Lee Corso and Kirk Herbstreit prediction. We nodded heads, fully satisfied at 11:00 a.m. when Corso whipped the Pittsburgh crowd into a frenzy by donning the Panthers mascot head.
We sipped on some afternoon games, cheering on TCU as the Horned Frogs scored their biggest upset in 45 years, taking down the mighty Sooners of Oklahoma. We munched in awe of Bowling Green quarterback Omar Jacobs as he passed for 485 yards in the 56-42 loss to Wisconsin.
Finally, we were ready to attack the main dish: the first Virginia home game. The tailgates filled the air with great anticipation, and the packed stadium cheered hungrily for the Cavaliers. And while the meal wasn't as well-cooked as we had hoped -- we were looking for well-done and got medium-rare -- a win is still a fine steak.
We finished off the feast with a two-day dessert provided by the primetime Sunday night Virginia Tech-N.C. State game and the Monday Night College Football contest between Miami and Florida State. The games didn't go down well (it never does when Tech wins), but you don't complain when you're getting two extra days of college football.
And then it dawned on me today: I don't have time to be fat and happy. It's almost time to step back up to the table with my Outback-sized steak knife and fork in hand. The NFL starts tomorrow.
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