Generally, I'm glad I left the house. I appreciate that I don't ever feel compelled to mute my "Sopranos" DVDs because my little brother's in the room, and I love that my roommates and I can laugh when we put a hole through our wall rather than having to cover it with a poster until Dad's in a good mood. However, there are some things I hate about student life, and the first that comes to mind is grocery shopping.
Sure, you can put it off for a little while. You can look in the mirror every morning and say to yourself, "I'm not getting ripped off by the meal plan. I'm not getting ripped off by the meal plan." Trust me, there's a limit to how long you can fool yourself. When the deception ends, it's time to either admit defeat and relentlessly shell out cash to live a life of sushi and Chick-Fil-A at the Pav or venture to the grocery store in a desperate attempt to defy the financial fates.
You'll quickly find that you have only two options when it comes to groceries: Kroger and Harris Teeter. And believe me when I say that all grocers are not created equal. Indeed, the divide between Kroger and Harris Teeter shoppers is a great one. Show me any U.Va. student and I can tell you at a glance which "preferred shopper" card is attached to his or her key chain.
I first recognized the divide when my yacht-owning roommate and I went shopping together. For the sake of anonymity, we'll call him Robert Gregory Kingston, III.
Suffice it to say, he is not a Kroger shopper. He realized something was up as we sped past Teeter's well-lit exterior. When he discovered where we were going he exclaimed, "Kroger? Isn't that kind of sketchy?" Yes, Robert, as sketchy as a homeless man at a yacht club party.
Despite Robert's fears, the trip went smoothly enough. Yes, I think I've finally mastered the savage art of discount shopping, and I'd like to share my knowledge with you, loyal reader and/or bored class-goer. I now present:
"Dan Strong's Guide to Kroger: A Journey into the Heart of Darkness."
The Kroger experience begins benignly enough, with the selection of a shopping cart. But do not be deceived, for this is no easy task. First you need to check the wheels. Some carts have four, others don't. Also, the presence of tape anywhere on the cart should be a big warning sign. You may notice the too-good-to-be-true row of shiny grey carts near the right side. Whatever you do, don't take one of these. They're wider than the other carts, which may be fine for any normal supermarket, but Kroger's submarine-esque aisles make this a luxury you cannot afford.
Once you've chosen your steed, it's time to move towards the produce section.
I'll spare you the tricks of shopping for produce because at Kroger none of them are important. The only question you need to be asking yourself is: Can I eat it? If so, grab it now. It's the best you're gonna find.
As you continue on your journey, you need to be wary of other shoppers as well as food quality. At Kroger, any awkward passing of carts down the narrow aisle could quickly escalate into a fatal knife fight if the wrong thing is said. Keep your eyes forward and your mind sharp if you want to get through this in one piece.
Your last challenge is the checkout. Normally, this is no major struggle, but at Kroger you have to make a choice: You can use the self-checkout to act as your own agent in the process, or you can attempt to negotiate your exit with one of the savvy squad of motivated cashiers. It's possible that this could go smoothly, but more likely you'll end up feeling confused and somewhat guilty, thanks to the steel-eyed stare you receive, as if by having the audacity to give your groceries to this teller you have broken a sacred social code and she's graciously decided to let you live.
Once through the checkout, make a bee line for the exit and dodge any panhandlers on the way to your car. On the drive home, make a few quick turns to ensure no one's tailing you, then go inside and lock the door.
Congratulations, you have survived Kroger and can now live in relative peace ... at least until your milk date comes.
Dan Strong's column is published bi-weekly on Mondays. He can be reached at danstrong@cavalierdaily.com.
Read More
It’s okay not to be okay
By Mai Hukuoka | 3 days agoWhether talking to a friend, a loved one or a professional, it is so necessary, and human, to need more than you can provide for yourself.
Taking a break at Tangerines Kitchen
By Charley Thomas | 4 days agoWhat the restaurant somewhat lacks in ambiance, it compensates for in tasty dishes and prompt service.
Virginia Policy Lab — a hub for student-led policy action
By Katherine Haden | December 9, 2024Students propose their own projects and collaborate with other members to research their issues of interest, brainstorm solutions and write policy proposals.
