Dear Admissions Office,I hope it's not too late, but I'd like to think I've made your job a lot easier. On the next batch of U.Va. applications you send out, please include the question, "If you were to choose between the magical powers of Harry Potter or full use of The Force, which would you choose and why?" That'd be awesome, thanks. I think it really speaks to the competing nature of modern folklore and real concerns we have about threats in the distant future surrounding our exploring the universe and discovering what really makes up humanity. Plus, I'd like to make over-achieving high schoolers look up how to properly cite a Jedi Knight according to MLA standards.
Sincerely,
Eric Cunningham, Chronic Daydreamer
I think I will begin the practice of ridding myself of the slack-jawed word "foozeball" and start fully pronouncing the soft "s" in "foosball." "Say, chaps, would any of you care for a rousing game of foosssball? Hmm? Any takers? A jaunt around the maypole, perhaps?" Yeah, that'll get me friends.
With job fairs kicking into full swing this time of year, it makes me think about what I, a talentless fraud, will do when thrown into the cruel world of employment. Sure, I'll go to job fairs and apply for things, but if worse comes to worst, I think I'll do just fine in my backup job/identity: Quasimodo, the University Chapel Timekeeper. Wait ... it's mechanized? Damn you, Industrial Revolution. Damn you.
...Now, some would say Harry Potter, because of the ability to generate things like money or snacks or some sort of dragon-proof powder. But these people don't account for Jedi mind tricks and powers like remote choking. All right, moving on...
This week, the first-year dorms of Emmet and Page were evacuated after a ticking package was delivered to the mail room. Fortunately, it turned out to be just an alarm clock. Unfortunately, this shows that without this package, some poor first year has been late to his morning classes for about four weeks now.
...Although, in theory, Harry Potter's powers are limitless as long as he has the discipline to study hard and learn the spells. But then again, with determination, Luke Skywalker could become a Yoda-like sage and obtain Oneness (Unagi, if you will) with the universe, a quality mere infantile wizardry does not possess. Anyway...
Word on the street is the Virginia Festival of the Book has announced its major speakers for the spring. The main headliner is... [drumroll]: Judith Viorst. :::Confused silence::: Judith Viorst, author of "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day"? :::Reader makes an acknowledging "Ohhh..." followed by an energetic "Ohh!"::: I refuse to believe I'm the only one excited about this turn of events.
Side note: This column is the first ever side-by-side usage of the phrase "word on the street" and "Festival of the Book."
I'm also contemplating adopting the phrase "Score one for the Ericster" whenever something goes my way. Or really "Score one for the ___ster" in general. I believe victories in life should be tallied for posterity's sake. And, by adding a "ster" to "Eric," I'm able to turn my name from an unnicknamable abomination into a cool alias. Ericster. Cool. Yeah, that'll get me friends.
...I think it comes down to the idea that in a true battle of wits, Luke Skywalker would totally light-saber Harry Potter into oblivion.
To those who disagree: Never underestimate the power of the Force. Case closed.
Score one for the Yodaster.
Eric can be reached at cunningham@cavalierdaily.com.
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