P1. Sometimes it becomes necessary to break the boundaries of conventional social norms and do something completely different and random. This is one of those times. I will be writing on no less than four separate subjects, following no traditional methods of structure or orthodox rules of stylized writing. Prepare to be WOW'd.
P2. Before beginning, one should take note that it is much easier to write about numerous non-connected subjects than to write a whole damn column on one subject that has been thoroughly investigated and researched. You can jump to your own conclusions, but here's a starting point: I'm lazy.
P3. Of further note is that in the past three paragraphs (including this one), I have yet to say anything even remotely substantive. See paragraph two.
P4. Moving back to paragraph one, the keen readers of my column (all 3i of you, because you're undoubtedly imaginary and math majors) will note that I capitalized WOW. This was no accident, and was no random act of grammar defilement, despite my claim to reinvent the rules of writing. In addition to being lazy, I also lie. But it's okay, because you're imaginary, on the basis that I made a bad math joke.
P5. You math majors will also note that I set myself up for making another joke about "basis." But this school is made up of economics and psychology majors, so I'm going to cut my losses, screw my opportunity cost and continue on my road to Self-Actualization. The joke was bad anyway. Delete the joke, you say? See paragraph two. Okay, okay, you convinced me, I'll delete it. It's still there? I lied. See paragraph four.
P6. Moving back to paragraph four, which was in fact pointing to a feature of paragraph one, of pointless capitalization of WOW, which was, in fact, not pointless. As 3i math majors know little about psychology, I will not reflect on what strange device resulted in that capitalization, but I will say this: It involved "Freudian," "slip" and "your mother."
P7. WOW refers to the diversion that made my summer as interesting as about six paragraphs of nothing interesting: World of Warcraft. In a stroke of genius, Blizzard Entertainment released a game so incredibly immersive, so time-wasting and productivity-destroying and so addictive that fat people all across the nation play the thing for eight hours a day and pay Blizzard to do it. Constructive members of the workforce waste away at this game, and the aggregate loss to the economy rivals the effect of Homestar Runner.
P8. Which isn't to say it's not a fun game -- oh, it's awesome. I played it for a long time over the summer, until I realized a couple things:
1. I was getting really fat and losing my perspective on reality, to the point that I started making commonplace math jokes (see paragraphs five and eleven).
2. Typical conversations with other people in the game began to really piss me off. Here's a real conversation I've had in the game (My character name is Saul, because if it doesn't have a biblical reference, you're considered a tool):
Saul: Anyone want to partner up and kill some bad guys?
GoldenNerdWarriorofLeviathan: LFG LBRS, 1M.
Saul: What the hell are you talking about?
GoldenNerdWarriorofLeviathan: LOL, noob.
I won't go into detail about what the hell he was talking about, as I was confused myself, but I can tell you one thing: If he was really "laughing out loud" after that conversation, he ought to watch "Anchorman." He would probably die of laughter. Since he can't communicate effectively, this would not be such a bad move.
P9. So I put the game down and got really into cycling, which is the next logical step. After buying a nice road bike, a variety of different accessories (including an 18-function multi-tool which hasn't been used once), I'm proud to say that I didn't let it gather dust and actually rode it around a lot. This was also a lot of fun until an SUV drove by me and threw a bottle at my face. Luckily he missed, but since he is probably paying 120 dollars a tank right now and has bad aim, I'm sure he feels like an idiot.
P10. If you do have a bike, go down Old Lynchburg Road and be amazed at how beautiful things are five miles outside of Charlottesville. If I were a poet, I would write you a verse extolling its natural majestic magnificence. Instead, I think only two words can describe it: LOL and noob. They sound catchy.
P11. That's it for now, math majors. Note that I ended on a prime-numbered paragraph. That was only two subjects, not four, you say? See paragraph four.
Josh Cincinnati can be reached at cincinnati@cavalierdaily.com.
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