As all you avid Al-Josh-Zeera fans (Mom and Dad) are aware, I haven't exactly been keeping to my column's main theme in recent weeks. That theme is humor.
A special kind of humor. Humor that relates to U.Va. and the world community as a whole, creating metaphysical connections between the U.Va. student species-being and all of the world's human society through cleverly placed fart jokes about world leaders. I'm not gonna lie -- my fart joke well has just about run dry.
"But why? Why has that once bubbling effluvia of gastronomically grotesque quips gone prosaic?" you ask, as if reluctantly placed in the badly made reproduction of "Pride and Prejudice" with Judy Dench and Keira Knightly.
Taken aback by your stunning proficiency of 18th-century English, I am abashedly silent. Yes, the new production of "Pride and Prejudice" will suck, but at least it has a hot cast. That Judy Dench is a minx.
Right, okay, that's just not true -- she's more of a fox than a minx. Wait ... how did this column turn into a second-person account of my fascination with elderly British actresses? Let's snap back to reality, guys. Lose yourself, people.
That movie also sucked. Seriously though, where has all the topical world news humor gone? I would tell you, but apparently we have a "non-self-promotion policy" here at The Cavalier Daily. Any hints and they'd kill me -- or find somebody better. Kind of like that Lieutenant Rasczak in "Starship Troopers."
What a crappy flick. Anyway, for this column, I'm going to write about what I know: astrology and U.Va. libraries. It is a common, timeless fact that your library choice and the position of Mars determine your future. Thomas Jefferson studied in Monticello's library; he became father of U.Va. Jesus studied in the woods for 40 days; he became famous for his party tricks. The Beatles studied in Liverpool; they became bigger than Jesus.
So what is written in your destiny? Take a look at the following list of study locations around U.Va., and let your future be revealed!
Clemons, Fourth Floor: You will forever be stuck doing Comm School projects for the rest of your life. If you think they suck now, wait about 20 years.
Clemons, Third Floor: The future is hazy for you. This is because you rented the VHS instead of the DVD. Isn't it about time you upgraded?
Clemons Second Floor, from 6 p.m. to 1 a.m.: You should receive a job commensurate to your academic achievement. But you will not be a toxic waste inspector. Instead, because your dad is rich, you will socialize, prattle on and on about how the latest episode of "The OC" totally blew you away and will be a dead weight on society.
Clemons, Second Floor, from 1 a.m. to 8 a.m.: You should receive a job commensurate to your academic achievement. Instead, however, some unqualified asshole who was in your seat six hours ago will steal your future job, and you will invariably end up inspecting toxic waste.
Clemons, First Floor and Alderman Stacks (any floor): You will join an ultra-conservative sect of your monotheistic monastery of choice and will take a vow of silence. Your vow will be broken after chuckling about a particularly good fart joke about Karl Rove you just heard.
Law Library: You will grow to be a prosperous, wealthy, soulless shell of a human being and will never be happy. But that's a small price to pay for two BMWs and a personalized Segway. Your wealth will come to an end, however, after hiring someone from the Second Floor of Clemons.
Clark Library: Ironically, you will end up staring at that mural in the entrance for so long you will become a permanent fixture, used mainly for coats and umbrellas. Please take heed: There are other places to see Grecian depictions of nudity without becoming a coat rack. Try the Internet.
Alderman, McGregor Room: You will discover a rift in the space-time continuum and end up in the parallel representation of the McGregor Room as the Gryffindor Common Room. A surreal dream come true, it comes to an abrupt end after you are expelled from Hogwarts because you misinterpret McGonagall's request that you "whip out your magic wand."
Alderman Café: You will decide to venture to France to go on the existential coffeehouse tour while taking on the role as a poor solipsist who wears thick-rimmed glasses. In doing so, you realize that Sartre was an idiot and decide to pursue your other vocation: procrastinating politics papers by writing sub-par columns and making general comments on the recent lack of decent movies. Oh hell, it's the weekend, and no one's in this café -- I'm off to watch Chronicles of Riddick.
Josh's column runs bi-weekly on Mondays. He can be reached at cincinnati@cavalierdaily.com.
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