Heading into last Saturday's game against North Carolina, the Virginia football team was on a high. The Cavaliers had just defeated the fourth-ranked Seminoles and had rekindled a small flame of ACC title hopes. Yet Saturday's 7-5 loss at the hands of the Tar Heels proved our mothers are correct: Never play with matches, only bad things will result.
I took the loss pretty badly. As a sports fan, I had never dropped from such a high to such a low. It was like going from "Aladdin" to "The Return of Jafar." Needless to say, Virginia football is dead to me now -- at least for the next two weeks.
The major dilemma at hand, though, is what to do with my Saturdays now that Virginia is no longer in title contention and currently not worth watching. Clearly, studying is not an option, not that studying is a bad thing -- it's completely natural, and there's nothing wrong with it. It just will not satisfy that sports fix I so desperately need.
I suppose I could watch other college football, but it would only foster bad emotions. I could go to the AFC and work out or play some pick-up basketball, but something still seems to be missing.
Well, I guess you can say desperate times call for desperate measures. Only the fruits of "Dodgeball's" heavenly, fictional television station ESPN 8, the "Ocho," could remedy my situation.
While some of its featured sports, such as two men beating each other with reeds or soccer with a flaming ball, may be frowned upon by President Casteen and the University, some sports worthy of this telecast that I have either participated in or have specific knowledge of do come to mind.
This takes me back to my first-year days in Dabney and the beauty that is dormitory-hall sports. Several sports from those days will most likely sufficiently waste my time in the coming Saturdays.
One, which I now have set up in my apartment, is simply putting the length of the hall. While less exciting than most sports, it takes skill and mastery.
Hall tennis is another option. This game actually has several variations, which depend solely on how creative you care to be. The simplest version is having two people stand at opposite ends of the hall and try to prevent the opposing player from throwing the ball past you. Things get interesting when multiple balls are utilized.
For the "MacGyver" of hall sports, a makeshift net of duct tape can be made, and a proper game of tennis can be attempted. Results may vary.
When all else fails, though, you can always bust out a piece of cardboard and play some dice. Just don't get caught by the po-po, and, more importantly, don't forget the lotion for Ashy Larry.
At this point, many of you may be wondering exactly how I got away with all of this, and, not to name names -- Sean, you rock!
Moving beyond the dorm scene, many other obscure sports can be enjoyed around Grounds. I could always venture over to Slaughter to play badminton or roller hockey, which conveniently takes away two full basketball courts.
However, a far superior sport would be that of bottle ball. This consists of procuring many empty glass bottles, strategically positioning them in any desired fashion and smashing them to pieces with a softball. Yes, this is bliss in its purest form.
After a long day of some of my favorite sports, I would have to make my way back to my apartment, but why end the fun there? The route from the Rotunda to my apartment on 14th Street proves to be an excellent par 20 of Frisbee golf -- at least such is the testimony of my roommates.
This would most likely cap off my day, at least until the night's sporting events. No, not college football on ESPN -- I was thinking more along the lines of Beirut or Beer Pong. For those who do not drink or are underage, don't despair! Beer can be readily substituted by any beverage. For those purists who say that such an action takes away a vital aspect of the game (becoming intoxicated and losing your aim), put Red Bull in those cups and tell me you're shooting straight after a few games. For the record, that's probably not a good idea.
So, if you see some maniac around Grounds this weekend doing an extremely peculiar activity that one might contrive as a sport, feel free to say "hello," or simply take pity on me for suffering through the emotional torment that has been this year's football season.
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