There are some at the University who find the move toward cooler weather as delightful as a canceled 8 a.m. Friday discussion. They revel in the changing leaves, crisp wind and opportunity to display how good they look in brightly colored sweaters. They greet fall with open arms, rosy cheeks and hot chocolate.
I, most certainly, am not one of these people. If possible, in fact, I would attempt to ward off the coming of fall by hanging warm-weather-appropriate ruffle skirts around my apartment and dancing around to the sweet sounds of the LFO classic (and my eighth grade anthem) "Summer Girls." It's not as crazy a proposition as it sounds -- my dancing has successfully scared away many things and people in the past.
My dislike of cold weather goes far beyond the fact that brightly colored sweaters make me look like a bulky Crayola crayon. I owe my apprehension regarding the coming of cold weather to the fact that I have lived in deliciously warm Florida for the entirety of my life. We don't have seasons in Florida, which comes in handy on Halloween, as you can skank it up as much as you please without risking severe frostbite. After about eight minutes outside on Halloween here, I always end up wishing I had dressed up as an Eskimo.
Part of the reason I dread fall so much is that it directly precedes winter. I no doubt learned this startling fact in the second grade, but it had little relevance to me then, besides indicating that I would be making paper snowflakes in class sometime after Thanksgiving. We do not have real snow in Florida, and I will freely admit that I am scared of it, particularly of walking in it. No one ever taught me how to keep my footing in the stuff, and as a result, I end up spending the months from November to March teetering and shuffling my way around Grounds like a little snow frump.
Prior to my first year here, I had never seen snow and had no earnest desire to do so. I vividly remember waking up one morning and having my suitemate tell me that it was "flurrying" outside. I looked outside and, after being momentarily mesmerized by the little puffs of snow descending from the sky, became utterly terrified.
"They're going to cancel class, right?" I asked hopefully. She just laughed and put on her snow boots while I searched my closet in vain for shoes that had both closed toe and heel.
Note to first-year Floridians: flip-flops do not work as well in snow as boots. If you have further questions about this, I will be happy to show you the exposure scars on my feet from winters past -- my daddy contends they look something like the feet of a soldier stationed at Valley Forge during the Revolutionary War. Really sexy, I know.
A large consideration in my dislike for cold weather is that sad fact that I cannot do what I like to call the "winter walk." The winter walk is that crazy speed stride people do in order to get where they are going faster in order to escape the cold. The best winter walkers (read: Northeasterners) can perform this feat in second-skin tight Sevens and four-inch pointy-toed stiletto boots. It is crystal clear to me that I would end up hospitalized if I attempted to so much as try on stilettos of any kind, much less scamper around in them. I'll stick to my flip-flops, thanks.
My ultimate cold weather foe, perhaps, is the dreaded cold weather weight gain. When the temperature drops, weight rises. It's a zero-sum game. I had no idea this weather-related weight gain existed, and it took me a while to come to the realization that it does, but you can't argue with the facts (or the scale for that matter).
The sad truth is that you can pack away a lot more under that brightly colored sweater than you can under your summertime halter top without noticing. Start getting a double-chin? No sweat! Just wear a scarf and no one will notice (sure they won't). The wake up call comes from our early Spring Break. All of a sudden, you're trying on that bikini that looked so hot last summer and thinking "Where did THAT come from?" It came from cold weather, friends. Be warned.
My Yankee friends, the ones with all the brightly colored sweaters, might argue a bit with what I'm saying. They might try to say there are certainly good things about cold weather as well, and I might agree. There probably are positives to cooler weather -- they just don't outweigh the negatives of me freezing my feet off, doing the awkward snow-shuffle and not being able to fit into my pants.
I'd love to delve into this topic deeper, but I've got to check the forecast for Halloween, so I can decide whether I am going to be a French maid or a promiscuous Eskimo. Trick or treat, y'all. Enjoy Halloween.
Erin's column runs biweekly on Mondays. She can be reached at gaetz@cavalierdaily.com.
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