Winnie,There are a number of concerns that we at The Cavalier Daily would like to express. Your recent column submission is being held indefinitely until these concerns are addressed.
1.Though it is common practice to make light of underage drinking and premarital sex, The Cavalier Daily is a strong believer of traditional Christian values. Cocaine is an unacceptable topic for ridicule. Remember our paper's motto: "Street snow is a definite no-go."
2.Though the phrases "clogged plumbing" and "prize-winning melons" are acceptable in a straight news story, they become inappropriate when prefaced with "your mom's."
3.Though you often include photo attachments with your column, we are unable to publish them. Following the controversy surrounding your staff picture from last year (you remember -- there were numerous complaints that the moon in the background of your picture included pagan and satanic rituals), we have decided to no longer allow any photo submissions.
We at The Cavalier Daily hope these suggestions will be taken to heart and that these issues will be quickly and quietly resolved.
Winnie,
While we at The Cavalier Daily appreciate the efforts you have put into editing your column submission, we feel you need a lesson or two in appropriate ethical conduct.
1.You cannot copy and paste a previously published column. We have all of them on file and can cross-reference your column submissions. May we remind you, plagiarism is an honor code violation.
2.On that note, The Cavalier Daily does publish news articles written by the Associated Press. However, that does not give you the license to replace the name in the byline with your own. Once again, plagiarism is an honor code violation.
3.You cannot exploit The Cavalier Daily for financial gain. Endorsements are not acceptable, though we are unaware of any reputable vendors stupid enough to pay you for mentioning their business.
Winnie,
Although your bitterness and cynicism are understandable, The Cavalier Daily had reason to exclude you from its annual constitutional hearing.
1.Antagonizing the opinion section does nothing for inter-department relations. We understand you were crowned debate champion of your third-grade class, but it is unnecessary to insist on "The tragic accident involving the old-timer in Florida" as an op-ed topic. Geraldo Rivera is not a source The Cavalier Daily would like to quote, or even associate itself with.
2.Constantly proposing an amendment that sets aside resources for a "Men of U.Va." issue is disruptive. Though the amendment may change names ("Hoos Hot?" and "WaHOT"), we at The Cavalier Daily understand what you are trying to do. Unfortunately, we cannot allow private photo sessions between you and the male subjects. The Cavalier Daily will not divert funds to pay for baby oil and disposable cameras.
3.Our current legal agreement, or restraining order if you will, clearly states that you are not allowed within five miles of The Cavalier Daily office. Your antics and five-year-old maturity have left us with no other choice.
Winnie,
Your clever attempts to breach Newcomb boundaries have been discovered. At first we at The Cavalier Daily believed the rumor that President George W. Bush was visiting our office to be true. However, upon further investigation, we concluded that President Bush's face is not made of rubber and that you were in fact wearing a mask. Please cease and desist or we will be forced to press honor charges against you.
Winnie's column runs biweekly on Thursdays. She may be reached at winnie@cavalierdaily.com.
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