While Tim Kaine was victorious in the Virginia gubernatorial election Tuesday, his campaign can be considered a failure in that it neglected to include the all-too-obvious but compelling slogan, "Kaine is Able." As for his opponent, Jerry Kilgore, I only wish he had run as the Republican candidate in the 2000 presidential election instead of this year's gubernatorial race. Of course, the "Gore-Kilgore" matchup probably would have seemed too pre-determined.
I also would have liked to see more mudslinging in the contest for attorney general. If the Democratic candidate, Creigh Deeds, had been more aggressive in attacking the personal character of his opponent, he could have assumed the nickname "Dirty Deeds." (For more puns on the last names of Virginia political candidates, cf. Cunningham's latest.)
In another heated race, the Independent candidate for governor, Russ Potts, narrowly defeated his opponent, the Margin of Error, by pulling in 2 percent of the votes. The Margin of Error delivered its concession speech early Wednesday morning, saying, "Potts [was] clearly the better man. I never really had a chance, I guess. I really ought to just go back to Florida, where I know I can dominate."
"I can't take all of the credit for my [stunning] victory over the Margin of Error," Potts said at his post-election rally. "It took serious improvements in polling techniques and technological advancements as well as Dan Rather's resignation from CBS News to really neutralize such an imposing adversary."
In his own concession speech, Kilgore came off as trying to both save the Republican Party from humiliation and diminish the personal wound of his defeat. He announced to his supporters that he had only run for governor because "it seemed like the thing to do at the time," and then added, "Plus, 'The OC' was going to be on hiatus for awhile anyway. I never had any real interest in this state to begin with."
When someone informed him that Virginia is suitably regarded as a "commonwealth" rather than a "state," Kilgore replied, "Whatever. But wait, speaking of common wealth, who's paying me back for all these unused balloons and confetti? Because I'm gonna need to get gas on my way home ... "
I'm so tired of democracy. I think it's time for a break. Currently, I'm drafting an idea for a new reality dating show for MTV called "Candi-date" that could replace the existing electoral system. The premise? Each hopeful politician vies for office by introducing himself to voters from each precinct. The couples would meet for a contrived picnic on the National Mall, and the politician would have 15 minutes per date to explain his platform and say that he was looking for a "two-term relationship."
Both voters and candidates would be encouraged to dress provocatively (for ratings). After their encounters, voters would be invited to spill their first impressions in "the Booth," where things tend to get a little more honest! The candidates would also share their private thoughts via the Candid-cam, which would catch them saying pre-scripted things like:
"Veronica's got it all. See, I like women who are conservative at the poll station but liberal in the bedroom. To sum up, I would love to deny having had extramarital sexual relations with Veronica."
"Emily came on way too strong. She was talking about wanting to start a family and all that ... I mean, I'm a politician. I kiss babies, I don't make 'em. At least not until my advisors say it's strategically advantageous for my career."
"Stacey's awesome! She definitely seemed like a party girl. A Republican Party girl! *WINK*" (Note: The candidate would actually say, "Asterisk, wink, asterisk" in a monotone delivery because politicians are uptight squares who merely recite what's written for them.)
If a voter finds true love, he or she can either cast the appropriate vote or take the $1,000,000 bribe package, which would be funded by the U.S. Treasury. The first episode would take 11 years to film and would send the national economy spiraling into a depression that would have people referring to the 1930s as "The Golden Years."
I'll admit, the concept may be a little ludicrous. But if it doesn't fly, I'll propose my backup reality show, in which 10 real-life people propose ideas for new reality shows to various jaded cable networks and get voted off the reality programs syndicate. The losers would be cast away to a screening room in which they would be forced to watch the same episode of "Laguna Beach" over and over again, a.k.a. "Reality Purgatory."
Dan's column runs biweekly on Fridays. He can be reached at dooley@cavalierdaily.com.
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