When you meet that right guy or girl, the first few whirlwind weeks might have you believing that you've boarded the love boat -- so exciting and new -- but no relationship is smooth sailing for long. It's not too hard to avoid arguments during initial dinner dates, or even perhaps during the first month of coupledom. But any partnership that's going to progress past this point will and must encounter a fight or two, or three.
Fighting's not fun, and should by no means be the language of any relationship. But a relationship devoid of any disagreement can be just as unhealthy as one in which shouting matches are the norm.
There's a right way and wrong way to fight, however. Tirades of nasty text-messages and slamming doors: destructive. Conversation in which uncomfortable topics are fleshed out and perhaps voices are raised: potentially productive. Fighting the good fight, rather than the destructive one, can be a cathartic cure for a distressed relationship.
Round One: Approach the ring. Before any regulation boxing match, a time and date must be set. Although it's not always possible to schedule a spat in your relationship, any important disagreement should be something that both partners pencil into their planners. Fights pop up at inconvenient times and in even more inconvenient places: 2 a.m. at Littlejohn's, 2 p.m. on the second floor of Clemons, and so on. Most of the time, we don't have time to work out a fight to a productive conclusion when it occurs. Therefore, it's often best to reschedule the match for a time when both sides can be heard and when people walking by won't have to pretend not to hear the verbal sparring. Plan to talk later that evening, that afternoon, or after your midterm. Not only will rescheduling the fight allow both sides to cool off, it ensures that the actual disagreement will have your full attention -- and not have to compete with impending classes or the interruptions of passersby.
Round Two: Put 'em up. Before you two can duke it out, it must be clear exactly what you're fighting for. Sometimes a fight that starts with him being late for dinner is really about him hesitating to commit. Sometimes a fight that starts with her forgetting to call is really about the fact that she spends more time with her friends than with you. Tempers flare for a lot of reasons, but good fighters need to know how to separate a trigger from the true cause of a fight. Once it's clear what you're fighting about, a fair fight can proceed.
Round Three: Mortal Kombat. Just kidding. Here's where the boxing metaphor fails to function. First of all, the goal of a relationship fight is not to leave your opponent unconscious, but actually quite the opposite. Your goal is to make your "opponent" more conscious of what it is they've been doing to make you so upset. Your goal is to help them understand what has made you so mad, and to figure out what's made them slip on their gloves as well. Seeing each other as opponents in a knock-down, drag-out is never helpful and often very hurtful. A "serious disagreement" is a problem that needs two people to solve it, and the best case scenario is for both boxers to be still standing by the time the final bell rings.
Sports psychology and a competitive nature won't help you "win" any fights with a significant other. A successful match between feuding lovers is one in which both fighters win. This means that both parties feel that they said what they needed to say and were listened to. The vocabulary is important here -- you're fighting with someone, not against them.
Ultimately, a fight should be about the future. It may be prompted by past events, but a fight can only be productive if it settles a disagreement and serves as a preventative measure for future fighting on the same topic. Fighting can be a healthy way for a couple to work through an issue quickly and to tackle problems up front. The goal should not be to avoid fights entirely, but rather, to never have the same fight twice.
Megan and Meghan's column runs bi-weekly on Tuesdays. They can be reached at fanale@cavalierdaily.com and moran@cavalierdaily.com.
Read More
It’s okay not to be okay
By Mai Hukuoka | 3 days agoWhether talking to a friend, a loved one or a professional, it is so necessary, and human, to need more than you can provide for yourself.
Taking a break at Tangerines Kitchen
By Charley Thomas | 4 days agoWhat the restaurant somewhat lacks in ambiance, it compensates for in tasty dishes and prompt service.
Virginia Policy Lab — a hub for student-led policy action
By Katherine Haden | December 9, 2024Students propose their own projects and collaborate with other members to research their issues of interest, brainstorm solutions and write policy proposals.
