I'd like to walk up to someone on the street and in the most sincere tone of voice ask, "Excuse me. Excuse me, sir? Sir? Umm ... are you gellin'?"
"Pardon?"
"Gellin'. Are you doing it?"
"Gellin'?"
"You know ... like a felon, or so much that you're Magellan? That sort of thing, you know."
:::Fifteen seconds of silent, mutual staring:::
Surely you got the same e-mail everyone else did from Vice President for Student Affairs Patricia Lampkin about the flu shots being administered in the midst of this viral season. Of course, some folks scoffed at the idea of the administration calling the operation "Flu Fest." I, on the other hand, feel the jovial name adds a bit of levity to a process consisting of standing in line to get stuck by a large needle. My only complaint is that the administration missed a great opportunity at some U.Va. wordplay. I would have called the whole program "InHOOenza." It could have spawned a facebook group.
Someone should set a standard that whenever people chalk on the sidewalk, they must also set up a hopscotch board. Studies indicate a sharp decline in hopscotching since 1950, and I intend to put a stop to this trend.
The U.S. Department of Education has said college students are becoming increasingly susceptible to identity theft. I think anyone who has had his or her AIM profile brazenly borrowed from can attest to that. Yeah, friend-from-middle-school-who-I-don't-talk-to-anymore-but-recognize-stolen-material-in-your-profile, I'm talking to you.
To be honest, I'm a little upset at how warm it was Monday afternoon for Halloween. Part of the deal you make as a kid is that in exchange for free candy, you have to walk around in a humiliating suit for a couple of hours in the freezing cold. That's how it is, and this exchange is how it will always be. It's called the "social contract," kiddo. :::Awkward silence::: I ... do not fully understand what that term means.
Last Wednesday, Albemarle County Police arrested a man and charged him for seven burglaries in the area. That is quite a bit of burglaring. He's really burglared himself into a corner. He's burglared his last burgle. Burglaringly.The word ... it's hypnotic.
As most of you probably know, the Housing Office was forced to admit it suffered a security breach over the summer when it made the personal information of a number of students available online. There are locks on dorm bathroom doors, yet we're still having security issues.
Yesterday, University Career Services held its largest career fair at the Omni Hotel (fourth years everywhere who didn't go, feel free to slap your foreheads, our collective futures are doomed. I'm seriously hoping my incredible MarioKart skills will somehow translate into a suitable career. They don't use red shells and lightning bolts in NASCAR, do they?
For Halloween, I went as the taller, lankier and greener Mario brother: Luigi. Never have I had a greater desire to smash bricks and gain the octagonal coins hidden inside.
My kids are going to be named Huey, Dewey and Louie. It's a fact -- I'm decreeing it right now. Yep, even if they're girls. No. Especially if they're girls. Even better: middle names will be Alvin, Simon and Theodore. Sure, it would be awkward if I don't have exactly three kids, but if I do ... the pop culture reference potential is ridiculous!
I would love to invent a hairstyle. Trouble is, it seems like everything has already been invented. At best, I could try to patent buzzing a path down the middle of your forehead and introducing the world to the 'Lowhawk.'
Dear Costume Companies,
Forget the "Hugh Heffner," forget the "Escaped Prisoner," forget the "Chainsaw-Wielding Psychopath." If you want the one costume every adult male will buy, I strongly urge you to develop a full-body, detailed replica of the Burger King mascot costume. That suit is not only curiously frightening but absolutely hilarious at the same time. Not only would I wear it every Halloween, I also would display it in a glass case when not in use.
Sincerely,
Eric Cunningham
Eric's column runs each Wednesday. He can be reached at cunningham@cavalierdaily.com.
Read More
Students brave the cold for a whirlwind sorority rush
By Mia Tan | YesterdayStudents recount a mix of emotions from rush, with some disappointed after dropping from the recruitment process and others ecstatic to join Greek life.
Top 10 ways to avoid burnout this semester
By Sam Saks | 2 days agoAs you settle into this semester, try implementing these 10 tactics to take care of yourself and wave goodbye to burnout.
Top 10 things I learned the day TikTok went dark
By Elizabeth Parsons | 4 days agoI am poised to bestow newfound pieces of wisdom from my short-lived TikTok detox.
