Your 21st birthday only happens once. Well, that's not entirely true -- if you're tricky and understand the International Date Line, it can happen twice. Well, that's also not entirely true -- if you have a 1985 DeLorean and can reach 88 mph, you can enjoy your 21st as many times as you want. Unless you meet your past self while partying, in which case either the entire universe will collapse into a singularity, or ... you'll faint.
Dr. Emmet Brown's follies aside, due to ridiculous legal restrictions based on ancient Puritanical rituals involving scarlet letters and witch burning, America's 21st birthdays are special occasions. My own such birthday is mere days away, which has led me to an exhaustive bout of existentialist soul/alcohol searching.
On my way to finding the perfect answer to my inquiry, the "Nihilist's Neutron Bomb" (Butterscotch Schnapps, Bailey's Irish Cream, Kahlua and Gasoline -- oddly enough, the petrol is the most expensive ingredient), I discovered that many famous Americans celebrated their 21st birthdays in curious ways. What can I say, Alderman Library has a crapload of books, including "Bartending for the Existentialist: 101 Ways to Blow Your Mind to Nothingness!" That was a good read.
After spending many cloistered nights in Alderman, I came upon these examples and decided that the world must know, Newsies-style. How will your 21st birthday compare to the eccentrics, the risk-takers and the geniuses? Find out!
Jesus: The Original American, as our uneducated elite call him, Jesus spent his 21st contemplating why Dad decided that he only has another 12 years to live. Though, to be fair, he was outliving the average lifespan of his era, which was around 7.2 years. Either way, the water-to-wine trick proved to be quite useful.
Pontius Pilot: Admittedly less American than Jesus, it still should be noted that he spent his 21st screaming that he was going to "totally outlive Jesus." Seemingly extraneous and crazy at the time, it turned out to be remarkably true, and the 2,000-year-old copy of "The Onion" found at Pontius Pilot's grave continues to baffle scientists.
Thomas Jefferson: He played drinking games with Patrick Henry and lost because of that "damn silver tongue." Upon getting adequately sloshed, TJ was overheard inventing crazy terms like "Academical Village," "fourth-year fifth," and "honor code." Upon leaving the local tavern, the barkeep called his tab, to which he enigmatically replied "Send thy Bill to the Office of Student Affairs -- I shall repay them on my honor."
Abraham Lincoln: Did a power hour, but extended it for 87 minutes ... no one is sure why.
Edgar Allen Poe: Spent his birthday moping and installed a glass panel in his Range room, complete with mechanical raven. He later complained that he was stuck in a "glass cage of emotion." Never got out of it.
Woodrow Wilson: Created what he called the perfect plan for his birthday, which involved 14 shots and a complete surrender of Germany. After completing his plan, he rhetorically and drunkenly asked his friends, "Hey guys ... wouldn't it be funny if I became a complete idealist but stayed a eugenicist? Wouldn't that be hypocritical and hilarious? No? Whatever, I'm doing it."
J. Robert Oppenheimer: Drank Nihilist's Neutron Bombs until he invented one.
Michael J. Fox: Due to a good agent, Michael J. Fox got to keep the '85 DeLorean and relived his birthday many times. He also got a Mattel Hoverboard. Lucky bastard.
Michael Jackson: He spent his 21st birthday partying with his fellow 12-year-old buddys. Oh, a bit of a typo there. I meant buddies -
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