Ah, Charlottesville. Home of ThomasJefferson; site of his University,Virginia's last stronghold of liberal intellectual elitism; and -- according to some news publications -- the best damn place to live in the entire country.
Unless you ask movie-goers.
Last week, Virginia held its annual film festival in our fair city. Again Charlottesville praised itself as a bastion of the arts, as evidenced by its remarkable ability to lure such stars as Sissy Spacek and "Keith Beauchamp," the latter in quotes only because I think he might be made up.
The festival's Web site proclaims, "Virginia is for Film Lovers!" I haven't laughed so hard at a tagline since President Bush said "Mission accomplished." Anyone who has tried to see a movie in Charlottesville knows that Virginia is certainly not for them.
Choosing between Charlottesville's movie theaters is a lot like trying to decide how far back to set your time machine. Your options: the Jefferson or Paramount theaters, both nearly a century old; Carmike Cinemas off Route 29 and the year 1984; or either of the two Regal cinemas, both obviously dated by their roller-coaster themed "c.g.i." intro reel, which probably seemed pretty nifty back when people were still comparing it to claymation.
I'm well aware that time moves a little more slowly in C'ville, but forcing me to watch a movie in the same type of theater that my parents saw "Footloose" the night I was conceived gives "tradition" a new meaning.
Charlottesville, please allow me to explain to you how we view movies everywhere else in the country. First, we've created a new audio format called "surround sound." I know it sounds complicated, but try to stay with me. Sound it out if necessary.
See, instead of placing all of the speakers (or, in your case, both of them) at the front of the theater, we disperse them throughout, so that the sound literally "surrounds" you. This way, not only can you hear all the dialogue (Gasp!), but you also feel like you're part of the action, or at least in the same room as the screen.
Actually, this was a comparatively ancient development, and we're now onto "digital surround sound," but let's take this one step at a time.
Second, a new seating system has developed since 1978 called "stadium seating." Again, the definition is pretty much contained in the phrase, so read it twice if you're able.
The idea follows the same logic used in most stadiums, wherein each row of seats is slightly higher than the one before it, so that everyone can see the screen.
Using this system, we can also make more comfortable seats. We have soft recliners with full back support in place of your glorified stools that may or may not be completely covered in a sticky foreign substance found nowhere else on the planet that may prove to be the cure for cancer, were we brave enough to study it.
That takes care of the more modern (post-1980) movie technology. Now for some basic business principles.
First, supply and demand. Charlottesville, some movies are more popular than others. For movies like "Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London," a single 200-seat theater may be enough to satisfy public demand. Other movies, however, may interest people more. If you put such movies on more than one screen, you may actually turn a profit.
In other cities, more than one theater may show each film, and each may do so on more than one screen, occasionally even getting rid of less popular movies to make way for those people actually want to see. If we could implement this method in C'ville, I'd be able to get a ticket to Jarhead sometime this month, and you'd make enough money to clean your bathrooms. Everyone wins.
Of course, I'm no fool. I understand the South and its peculiar fixation on tradition. I can't expect Charlottesville's three-theater monopoly (The Unholy Trinity, as I call it) to change its policies voluntarily anytime this century.
But please, local businessmen, aspiring "thespians," homeless guy by Bodo's, or anyone who ever cried during "The Fox and the Hound" or tried to build a working flux capacitor, someone please hear my cry and the cries of movie lovers throughout our fair city and build us a legitimate movie theater.
You don't have to abandon tradition or embrace the modern age. You can even use columns in the design. I'm not asking for a miracle; I'm only asking for a movie theater.
The people are ready. If you build it, we will come.
Dan's column runs biweekly on Mondays. He can be reached at danstrong@cavalierdaily.com.
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