The end of Thanksgiving is the beginning of Christmas!*
A classmate informed me that after Thanksgiving, her year went downhill. Last Christmas, her grandmother gave her a spatula. The year before, plastic Tupperware.
Her tribulations inspired me to catalog my own presents. In chronological order, the best Christmas gifts I have ever received:
1985 -- My grandparents sent my parents a Christmas package for "Vinnie." Even though I was born in June, no one bothered to let them know that the sonogram was wrong. What they had all been looking at was my finger.
1988 -- I was told my sister was an early Christmas present. Christmas Eve, I tried to box her up and return her to Santa. Unfortunately, my mother caught me before I could tape the box shut.
1989 -- My grandmother bought me a plastic playhouse and told me I wasn't allowed to play in it until Christmas. Early Christmas morning, I climbed on top of the playhouse and broke through the plastic roof. I blamed it on fat Santa.
1990 -- I got a cute doll for Christmas. The price tag was still attached to the box. My father told me that Santa is sometimes too busy to make all those presents, so he has to go buy them. When I asked why Santa didn't buy me a bike, my father said there are price limits on presents for nosy little girls.
1991 -- I finally got the bike I wanted. It was purple with pom-poms attached to the handles. The tires were white and it was beautiful. My father said he'd take off the training wheels as soon as I had my balance. I promptly went outside and rode my new bike into the family car.
1992 -- I received a how-to-tell-time book. In Spanish. This was the year my parents gave up on trying to keep our names straight. Presents were no longer labeled and whoever got to the tree first got to choose what they wanted. Consequently, I was introduced to the "early bird special."
1993 -- My aunt gave me a baseball cap with an extra long bill. She told me the extra long bill was "cool." I thought it was "cool" too until a kickball hit me in the face and snapped the bill in half.
1995 -- My littlest sister got me a Winnie the Pooh coloring book. She had already finished half of it. She gave Winnie the Pooh long black hair and fangs.
1997 -- My sister got me a book about Greek myths. I got her a Crunch bar. She called me ugly and took her present back. Joke was on her. I didn't need a book to tell me about things the Greeks did, like make cheese and bake cakes. Or perhaps combining their skills in making cheesecake.
1999 -- A TI-83 Plus. I went to TJ for high school. The TI was a fashion accessory and our school mascot.
2000 -- I found a CD burner installed in my computer. After burning three CDs, I grew impatient and tried to make my computer work faster. As a result, I fried my hard drive. Once again, I blamed it on Santa.
2001 -- My grandfather gave me a stamped and addressed envelope. He said if I wrote him more, maybe I'd get something for my birthday.
2002 -- After my mother accidentally ran over my cell phone with the family minivan, my parents got me a new one. In exchange for the cell phone, I had to finish my college applications. Joke's on them! I just Xeroxed one application and crossed out the college's name. They never knew the difference.
2004 -- After one of the most disappointing Novembers of my lifetime, my parents tried to make me feel better. Though I appreciated their attempt, I didn't know what to make of the itemized bill I found under the tree. Apparently I owe them over $1 million for the past 19 years.
So in conclusion, I love Christmas, but not the presents so much.
*Based on legal advice from my legal law attorney, I've been asked to change "Christmas" to "Winter Holiday of Festival Celebration."
Winnie's column runs biweekly on Thursdays. She may be reached at winnie@cavalierdaily.com.
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