I saw President Casteen at Alderman Café on Tuesday afternoon. His striking figure was unmistakable; his gait conveyed import. He made straight for Greenberry's, much to the surprise of the other patrons, evidently seeking refreshment in the form of a chalky, dehydrating diuretic.
As he stood patiently in line to order his caffeinated beverage of choice, his hair glistened like the crown of froth that adorns the grande macchiato (which, loosely translated from the Italian, means "rip off").
I didn't hear him announce his order to the cashier, but I can only imagine that it was delivered with extreme eloquence and the sort of magnanimous confidence that could shake the very foundation of Alderman Library. (Especially if accompanied by a massive fleet of bulldozers ... you know it's only a matter of time. The ceilings in the old stacks were clearly designed for miniscule hobbits living dozens, if not millions, of years ago. I just hope someone bothers to wake up the graduate students on floor 1M before the wrecking ball is let go.
By the way, the "M" stands for "Merciless God, where the hell am I? How did I get here? Curse my literacy! Wait, did that book just move by itself?? That's it, I'm calling the Ghostbusters. Good thing I have my cell ... What?! How can you have 'negative service'?")
The commanding yet gentle tenor of President Casteen was obviously so rousing that the cashier gazed back feebly at her customer's proud face with eyes that seemed to say, "Hey, you're that talky guy from Convocation, right? I want my four hours of life back."
I will never know what blend of coffee Casteen requested, and his selection must of course be understood in light of the fact that Greenberry's menu fails to offer his normally preferred thirst-quencher, namely Elixir, the nectar of the gods.
Casteen paid the cashier and received his change, which he immediately thrust back at the girl, apparently demanding to be paid entirely in commemorative nickels. The young girl obliged and then promptly set out preparing his drink ("promptly" is a relative term that Greenberry's applies to any order transacted in under 10 minutes). She diligently filled a capacious cup with the chosen liquid, but not before pouring a miniature carton of creamer onto the floor as a libation.
Casteen accepted his purchase graciously and proceeded to the dressing station so that he might stir his drink just as he had stirred the souls of the crowd around him. He even slid a protective insulating sleeve around his blessed Styrofoam cup, despite the well-known fact that the palms of his hands can withstand heat of unrecorded temperatures and are impervious to pain. His grip, moreover, is said to overwhelm the mortal grasp; and when he breaks ground at a new building site, he spurns the use of a pointed shovel and instead employs his almighty fist. He can also recite the first two and a half lines of the "Good Old Song." No lie.
There are many such legends surrounding the figure of John T. Casteen, III, and all of them are 100 percent truthful and accurate. Here are some:
John Casteen tried to read a tiny inscription on the frame of his glasses but realized he could not unless he was wearing his glasses. Foiled for the last time, John Casteen had irony excommunicated from the Catholic Church.
Once, while John Casteen was at a Quizno's restaurant, an ignorant employee placed John Casteen's sandwich on the moving rack of the oven even though John Casteen had not specified whether John Casteen wanted it to be toasted. John Casteen immediately dove into the burning machine and rescued John Casteen's sub from the pit of fire. John Casteen then handed John Casteen's sandwich to the employee and asked him to toast it "thoroughly."
John Casteen invented the slang phrase, "Can I get a 'what what?'" through sheer providence and was happy. But when a former English professor commented that the saying should be, "May I get a 'what what?,'" John Casteen became angry and invented the phrase, "May you get the hell off of my campus?"
John Casteen's favorite color is "Not Applicable."
All these statements are utterly verifiable. It is a false rumor, however, that John Casteen wears a suit and tie at all times, even when taking showers: On the contrary, John Casteen takes bubble baths.
Dan's column runs biweekly on Fridays. He may be reached at dooley@cavalierdaily.com.
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