To: EVERYONE@toolkit.virginia.edu
From: dooleyd@virginia.edu
Subject: BOOKS FOR SALE!!!
Dear 13,000 people I've never talked to or met before,
My name is Daniel and I own every college textbook ever published. But guess what: I'm selling them all right now!!! You're so lucky I've invaded your inbox!! It gets better: I'm selling these books for kind of cheap, and they're all in readable condition! Only a few coffee stains (at least you'll hope they're coffee stains) per book. You can buy the whole package for $793,064.00, or just buy individual books! I realize some of you already own all the books you need for your classes, but wouldn't you rather return them to the Bookstore or wherever you got them and spend a great deal of time bartering with me and finally settle on a price that gives you a marginal discount that you'll probably consider later on wasn't really even worth the hassle? That's what I'm freaking talking about!!! YES!!! I am so SHREWD!! You guys are so GULLIBLE! By the time you realize that the COMM 201 textbook you've purchased is not the up-to-date and required edition, I'll have transferred to JMU!!! I'm so glad swindling isn't one of the Honor Code's three major offenses. Unless swindling counts as cheating, which is a totally ludicrous idea. Anyways, you guys are the best marks ever! Love ya!
-- Daniel
To: SEVENSOCIETY@secretsociety.virginia.edu
From: dooleyd@virginia.edu
Subject: Secret Shhhh**
Hey y'all! As your president, I wanted to be the first to test out our new "secret" mailing list. Also, Bob (I mean Bob Ralston, not Bob Griswald, though both of you are indeed members): I wanted to check with you and see how the new Web site (www.secretsevensociety.com) is coming along. As you all know, this site's launch will be part of a major marketing project that's really going to boost our popularity and help spread the word about who we are and what we're all about. Joining forces with Domino's to create the "7-7-7" deal was a good first step, but if we really want to break into the limelight, we're going to have to think smart. When the Wal-Mart Secret Society decided to go public way back in the day, they were how relentless? (Answer: Utterly relentless.)
And not just about rolling back prices, but about other stuff as well. Such as, for example, things that, if you knew about them, you would see that there were other things. ... Look, I don't know where I was going with that, but the fact remains: We need to stop dawdling over pointless tasks like painting the number 7 all over the place and trying to be as cool as the Z Society. I mean think about it: We're basing the entire existence of our club on a single digit. It's stupid. "Sesame Street" won't even spend a whole episode on just one number. And so I leave you with this, and I'm just putting it out there: How about, just once, just as a test, what if we tried, say ... 8? Again, it's just food for thought. Anyway, I'll see you all at the secret bi-weekly meeting at the Pav next Wednesday, 12-3 p.m., as always. Oh, and by the way, Jasper, I am most certainly NOT swiping for you this time. I always swipe for you. Jerk.
Your loving Prez,
Daniel Dooley
To: parking@virginia.edu
From: dooleyd@virginia.edu
Subject: You've got to be freaking kidding me
You have got to be freaking kidding me, U.Va. Department of Parking and Transportation. You think you can just tow any vehicle you want, don't you? Why don't you just get it over with and change your name to what you really want to be called: U.Va. Department of Omnipotence. Oh wait, that wouldn't work, because you let the athletics department bully you around on game nights, exacerbating your already arbitrary system of enforcing parking restrictions. I will continue to fight the fact that I had to pay $50 for a towing job that, of the two of us, only you wanted done. Two can play this game, P&T, I assure you. Therefore, from now on, I am strictly enforcing the hours during which you have to stay the hell away from me and my car, namely from noon on Monday until Sunday at midnight. And also from midnight Sunday until Monday at noon. You get the idea. Jerk.
Love,
Dan Dooley
Dan's column runs bi-weekly on Fridays. He can be reached at dooley@cavalierdaily.com.
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