Though the calendar is well into January and the weather has jumped forward to March, the holiday season is still on my mind. I can't help it. It's a special time for me.
But not for the reasons you might think. In the winter months, most are reminded of the human capacity for good, the importance of loved ones, the religious significance of the time or of just how tasty those Starbucks holiday drinks can be, but not me. When the weather turns and Christmas lights go up, I am reminded of my own special talent: my knack for offending people.
I can't claim to be great at much, but when it comes to saying the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong people, I'm right up there with Trent Lott.
You might think that such a propensity would discourage me from writing my every thought in this widely read publication, but I'm obviously not that bright.
It's not that I'm a mean person ... or an especially nice person. No, you could say I'm equally rude to everyone.
It's a fair but dangerous system, and no time does it lead to more problems than during the holidays, when people are at their least cynical.
My most spectacular incidence of offense occurred December 2002, when I was asked to write a holiday message on my high school's billboard. Having been in charge of the sign for most of the year, I had tried to spice it up a little with one-liner jokes in place of the usual monotony. This time would be no different.
My principal had repeatedly cautioned me to avoid using the word "Christmas" anywhere on the sign. Quite understandable advice (even though I live in Bountiful, Utah and the non-Christian population would probably fit in my closet), but nevertheless I decided to use this opportunity to poke some fun at political correctness.
"Have a happy non-denominational holiday!" read the Bountiful High billboard for a solid two weeks in December.
You might think that making a joke at religion's expense in a small Utah town would be a bad idea. You might also guess that sarcasm wouldn't come across very clearly in block letters over a highway. You'd be right on both counts.
I offended a lot of Utahans that day, and sparked a controversy so grand that half the Salt Lake Tribune's editorial section discussed it for a full week. I spent most of that month dodging elderly neighbors and taking more angry phone calls than Michael Brown. So much for a happy holiday, denominational or otherwise.
More recently, I was discussing the significance of the holiday season with a Muslim friend of mine. We happened to be at a noisy party during this cultural exchange, however, and everything he said came across a little muddled.
Hopefully that is enough to explain why when he told me, "Islam means 'peace,'" I mistakenly heard a similar-sounding word that describes the male anatomy.
"Really, Islam means penis?" I curiously inquired. I hope I haven't offended anyone by restating my question here. That is honestly what I heard. I thought maybe he was setting up a joke, and I was helpfully playing along. Imagine my confusion when he left the room and didn't speak to me for a week.
I've since resolved both situations, more or less, and I've tried to remember that words are ambiguous and can be interpreted differently than I intend.
I've learned that offense, as many problems as it's caused me, can be a useful emotion. It lets us know when to speak up and seek change. If we were never offended, we would likely let the brazen walk all over us.
Offense could even be considered a holiday tradition. I've always thought that someone really must have said the wrong thing at that first Thanksgiving, because afterward it seems the only thing white settlers and Native Americans shared was smallpox.
Still, it seems to me that we could all stand to relax a little. Oftentimes the malady of an offhand remark doesn't occur to anyone but the offended party.
The holiday season may be over, but the New Year is upon us. Since my first resolution (no more Queen Latifah movies in '06) has already been shattered, I'll make a mid-January change and resolve to be more careful with words. Could the rest of you help me out and be less careful with listening?
Dan Strong's column runs bi-weekly on Mondays. He can be reached at danstrong@cavalierdaily.com.
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